A Vision Before Me

He stood there,
A vision before me,
A ghost come back to haunt me.

He stood there,
Shifting his weight slightly,
His back to the door and to me.

He stood there,
Almost lost,
Half the man he once was.

He stood there,
And I could finally see,
That he was less than me.

He stood there,
My heart twisted in my chest,
Would I collapse crumble and melt?

He stood there,
Oblivious of my existence,
Do I act on impulse?

He stood there,
And I couldn't help myself,
I needed to really see,
To look into his eyes and believe,
To know for once and for all,
That he's not the man I once fell for.

Fighting

I'm fighting,
Fighting to fit in,
To not give in to this world of consumerism,
To not feel the need to live up to the ideals of others.

I'm fighting,
Fighting the urge to settle in,
To give up on my freedom,
To fall in line with the rat race again.

I'm fighting,
Fighting to maintain self worth,
In a world were self worth is measured by the car you drive,
Or the house you live in.

I'm fighting,
Fighting to keep the joy of self alive,
In a world where people no longer value authenticity,
I'm fighting to keep an authentic me.

I'm fighting,
Fighting to keep my gentle being safe,
Safe from a world where I feel misplaced,
Betrayed.

I'm fighting,
Fighting my reflection,
In a world that warps perception,
Demands unrealistic perfection.

I'm fighting,
Fighting judgement,
For not having a ring, or a plan,
Or a purpose.

I'm fighting,
Fighting to set boundaries,
Fighting to relieve myself of the guilt,
Of walking away from a responsibility that was forced on me.

I'm fighting,
Not struggling,
Not striving,
LIVING!

Excessive Anadiplosis

I am surrounded by people,
People who don't even notice I'm there,
People who carry on their daily lives,
Blissfully unaware.

I am surrounded by babies,
Babies everywhere,
Baby conversations and remedies,
I'm easily scared.

I am surrounded by anxiety,
Anxiety in the traffic,
Anxiety in the home,
There is no-where safe to roam.

I am surrounded by egos,
Ego's larger than life,
Ego's that project and torment,
Narcissism is prevalent.

I am surrounded by light,
Light that filters,
Light that fades,
Into the night and again into a new day.

I am surrounded by love,
Love in all shapes and forms,
Love as little or as large as life,
It's in every breath and every smile.

I am surrounded by magic,
Magic in everything,
Magic that makes the flowers bloom,
That clears all consciousness and loathing.

I am surrounded by opportunity,
Opportunity in every way,
Opportunity to decided,
Who, what and how I am today.

I am surrounded by consumerism,
Consumerism that sucks you in,
Consumerism that depletes you,
Completes you in momentary sin.

I am surrounded by decisions,
Decisions everyday,
Decisions to decide,
Which way.

Don't Doubt The Love

I have no doubt that he loved you,
I know it's difficult to understand,
I know the dichotomy is confusing,
Just thank God you got away.

How long were you with him?
How could it possibly,
Have taken you almost two years to see,
He's completely an utterly diseased.

How well did you know the family?
Oh, that long.
Trust me darling,
He's always been this way and he's never going to change.

I can't believe I was such a fool,
You're not a fool,
I promise you he loved you,
The best he could.

He has a problem,
He's had it all his life,
That family in itself is not right,
Drinking all day from morning light.

Don't question yourself,
In fact here is something to read,
Something to help you understand,
His perverted needs.

This is what I've been saying,
The entire time,
I knew he was a narcissist,
But the difference is he used to be mine.

Feeling and Healing in French

I am proud of my little heart,
It's loved, it's lost
It's been torn apart,
But it still works, my brave little heart!

I battled the worst of them all,
I overcame and escaped,
I won when I let him go,
Mon pervers narcissique.

Unfathomable

Tucking my head into the sweet scent of your neck,

The feeling of fingertips on my back,

The warmth of your skin in contrast to the icy wind,

These are the things I will never forget.

Skinny dipping in moonlight,

Dressing Oysters before midnight,

Flavours of fantasy as I crave to have you near me,

Undeniable intensity limited by responsibility.

Getting caught making out,

Laughing till our bellies hurt,

Blushing like teenagers,

That’s what life should be like.

The anxiety of separation,

The space between,

Somehow we’ve managed to keep it all in,

A whole year of wishing, wanting and longing.

Your kindness and patience as I travel the world,

Your complete understanding,

Your genuine want to protect me,

Understanding that he flew to Thailand simply to break me.

Somehow I cannot fathom,

This connection that’s beyond explanation,

This feeling of complete understanding,

Old souls reconnecting?

Thank you for your constant admiration,

Your encouragement and patience,

Your respect and chivalry,

It all means the world to me.

Live and be Alive

I’ll show you the world in all its glory,

I’ll take you on adventures that will forever haunt your memories,

I’ll hold you in the ocean so you can feel both safe and free,

I’ll always be your once upon a time memory.

He offered me adventure,

He lay with me at night,

He showed me stars I had not seen,

He made me feel supreme.

An unfamiliar touch,

A tingle down my spine,

A brief moment of guilt,

Thinking you were still mine.

I longed to let go,

I wanted to forget,

Amnesia at its best,

Oblivious of your existence.

Weightless in his embrace,

I feel so powerful yet so helpless,

A fleeting moment to second guess,

It’s too late now he’s breathing me in.

Such sweet release,

Followed by such pain,

My soul being ripped apart,

I half whisper your name.

Regret

I’m the sunset that brings slight sorrow,

I’m that memory that haunts,

I’m that hunger unquenchable,

I’m that throbbing in your heart.

It will get easier over time,

To live without me,

Without a connection to the divine,

Some part of you will always be mine.

You’ll think of me less and less,

You will never be able to forget,

You’ll never really not regret,

Letting go of the best you’ve ever met.

One day you will be old,

Looking back on your life,

I’ll always be the one,

You'd wished you'd treated right.

There will never be a touch more intimate,

A look more inspiring,

Two souls intertwining,

 When you do look back, remember that.

Scorpion Fish

So beautiful,
Exquisite even,
Charming and manipulative,
Deadly yet addictive.

So delicate,
Spines like fine glass,
Fans like the thinnest silk,
Delicate enough to pierce through your heart.

Red like anger,
White like light,
The dichotomy of it all,
To be in awe of something so poisonous.

It takes knowledge,
Awareness too,
To spot a Scorpion Fish,
Before it kills you.

You need to be able to see,
Spot and identify,
Colors, markings and personality traits,
To avoid making a dangerous mistake.

I know it's not easy,
To not become obsessed,
To not fall in love,
With such magnificent narcissists.

It Didn't Destroy Me

So insecure,
Yet such a grandiose sense of self importance,
A constant struggle between self loathing and self admiration,
Fantasies of brilliance and superiority,
It must be terribly conflicting and exhausting,
Having such a false sense of achievement when you've achieved nothing.

So charming,
Master manipulator,
Rooted in nothing but a false sense of reality,
Exploiting everyone you meet,
Friends are not friends they simply fulfill your needs,
They stroke your ego and follow your lead.

Pathological liar,
Without conscience or guilt,
Shaping reality with falsities,
Regardless of the consequences,
Feigning and faking to get what you need,
Controlling and torturing is how you feed.

Completely unable to empathise,
I don't know if I'm jealous or if I feel pity,
Never being able to take on another's pain,
Your reality is all you see,
Perhaps not being able to understand and feel for others makes you really free,
I can't do anything without considering how it will make other people feel.

Your reflection is all you see,
You're never guilty,
Self absorbed and ego centered,
Feeding off those who are easy for you to manipulate,
Exploiting and lying to control as you need,
Processing your shame is impossible so it comes out all irrational.

Narcissist is just a gentler word for a self absorbed asshole.

Final

He looked up at me,

Not with sorrow or shame,

Rather a coward looking for yet another way,

To run, to blame and discard me again.

An unforgettable sunset,

That final red blaze,

Our last dance on sea sand,

The sorrow comes in waves.

He moved so gently,

Feeling the rhythm deep down in his soul,

The confidence to dance alone,

I fell in love with him once more.

I knew he wanted nothing more than to touch me,

His body easing closer and closer to mine,

I took a step back and pretended I was fine,

My body longed for his embrace but I had to fight it this time.

He hugs me and I know it’s the final goodbye,

His body molding into mine,

I have to keep my guard up or my soul might never recover,

Letting go of what was supposed to be forever with my lover.

I’ll never forget the waves of emotion,

Uttering a final “Goodnight”,

Watching him drive into the darkness of the jungle,

He wasn’t aware that I was dying inside.

I could have let him touch me,

I could have kissed him goodbye,

I could have fallen into his arms again,

Honestly I couldn’t, finally I couldn’t and I now know why.

Looking back I’m glad I didn’t try and give him a reason to stay,

I could no longer live that way, I could no longer bare the pain,

Of being discarded again and again and again,

Refusing to be another pawn in his narcissistic game.

When I was finally done,

When I knew there was nothing in my power that I could do,

When I knew he would never stop lying or cheating or emotionally abusing,

That’s when I found the power to walk away from him,

And if you should do the same I’ll surely walk away from you.

The Journey

Seven months of summer,

One month of the coldest I have ever been,

Two different hemispheres,

Two different seas.

An Honours degree,

One write off,

One big mistake,

One horrific heart break.

Visiting Van Gogh,

Taking my first tram,

Sticky Stroop Wafels,

Meeting Einstein and Dali.

Being hit by a bicycle, 

My first pair of Nike's,

Endless coffees in shops made for me,

Windmills used to make cheese.

Seeing real snow,

Learning to ski,

Toboggan races,

Gluhweins and teas.

Pear schnapps and Tequila beers,

A German Brauhaus,

Freezing my ass off on a swing in a park,

Out way past dark.

The longest journey,

Multiple modes of transport to get me to the sea,

A car, a plane, a taxi, a sky train, a bus and a ferry,

To awake to the beauty of Klong Koi with no responsibility but me.

I didn't think I could do it alone,
Traveling set me free,
Being responsible for nothing but me,
Living life just for me.

A month of absolute bliss,

Playing in paradise,

Relishing every moment,

Living an incredibly simple life.

A month without hot water,

Hand washing laundry,

Daily explorations and adventures,

Completely and utterly free, my island and me.

Eleven to twelve hours a day, 

Six days a week,

Learning just how disciplined I can be, 

My capacity when I'm being truly me.

Clearer of mind without the aid of substance,

Driven to improve, overcome and heal,

Closer to knowing myself than I've ever been,

His leaving was a miracle.

More genuine people than I've ever met,

Some of the friendliest racists you'll ever see,

Meeting the simplest and happiest of human beings,

Crossing paths with both high level and street level dishonest things.

The freedom of that scooter I will never forget,

Winding paths through jungle roads, 

Leaning into the warm breeze,

No one on the road but me.

Dancing with my shadow,

The warm sea breeze,

Night swims in moonlight,

The most beautiful memories.

Experiencing Angkor Wat,

Exploring this ancient city,

Sitting there in silence to watch the sun and moon meet,

Made the shock of Phnom Penh and the visa run all worth it for me.

The horror buses of tourists,

As they push into the city,

Royal Palace,

Ping pong balls, Bangkok City.

My first train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai,

Yet another ancient city to explore,

This one offering something different,

Wat Phra Doi Suthep the crown jewel of it all.

Thirty four hours of flying,

Forty four hours by bus,

Six hours of ferries,

Trams, taxi's and tuk-tuks, 

Sky trains, bicycles, scooters and trains,

None of them could take me far enough.

Broken English

He sees me everyday,
Greets me with the most wonderful smile,
A smile that touches the very softest parts of my soul,
A smile that reflects in his eyes as it does in his wrinkled face.

He doesn't pry or ask much of me,
He simply observes my comings and goings gently,
"You spend a lot of time alone" he says to me,
A peaceful caring tone of inquiry.

We are up early enjoying the peace of the morning,
Observing the majestic mountains as the clouds roll over like thick blankets of silk,
We listen to the birds and the patter of soft rainfall,
Experiencing some deep inner truth in the midst of it all.

The beauty of Pai as clouds and mountains collide,
A sacred space of being where I can neither be heard nor seen,
Solitude a place far from being lonely,
A place that neither wants nor takes anything from me.

Travelling alone has set something free,
I cannot contain this new found part of me,
My old familiar self has some permanency,
I fear I might loose this new balanced part of me.

"You know what you want to do" he says without ever having a conversation with me,
Non invasive non threatening raw honesty,
"I see you everyday, you have purpose, it beautiful" something he has observed in me,
Probably the most beautiful broken English that meant the world to me.

Time passes by here without effort,
The days flow into one long timeline,
Time in all its irrelevancy,
Pai has set something free in me.

The Professor In Me

Experience teaches empathy,
Be open to the change,
Really force yourself outside of your comfort zone,
You will never be more free.

Living teaches life,
We only need listen,
Nothing ever lasts forever,
Even rocks are changed by weather.

Observation teaches awareness,
Observing without judgement is the key,
Simply sit and watch,
Learn to just be.

Solitude teaches self awareness,
Observing your every thought, want and need,
You may not become an enlightened guru or spiritual yogi,
But self awareness is key.

Aging teaches the value of time,
Value your mind and your body,
Aging robs you of your physical ability,
But it sets your soul free, aging makes me, Me.

Travelling teaches more than words can explain,
Different perspectives of humanity,
A humility, a self reliance,
Gratitude and self belief.

Each new destination teaches a different lesson,
The course structure is always the same,
Arrive, meet the people, settle in and feel secure,
Then leave again to the next destination to repeat it all once more.

Travelling teaches you that life will always change,
Finding your foreign way,
Just as things become familiar,
You're leaving yet again.

Packing teaches you to hold onto less,
An art performed in perfect synchronicity,
A habitual act of repetition,
The night before you leave.

Love is the ultimate lesson,
To love everyone you meet,
To send out love no matter how empty you feel,
To love yourself in everyone and everything.

Perfect Unique Pair – Seek and You Shall Find

As the sun sets and reflects on the water below,

So I reflect on my journey,

Both past and present,

What a journey it is, was and will be.

As the day cools ever so slightly,

Preparing for the night,

Soft sand beneath my feet,

As I wonder the beach searching for sea shells.

At this moment I am not aware,

Not of anything but what my eyes search for,

The perfect pair of shells,

To adorn my ears and decorate my soul.

Something catches my attention,

She’s thin in frame but wide in smile,

Spade in hand,

Searching as well.

Little does she know,

If she is lucky one day it will be her soul she searches,

Not the beach,

Not for crabs for their soft meat but for the meat that makes her real.

My eye catches a unique shell,

I think to myself it’s perfect but it’s not worthwhile,

I’ll never find another one to make a pair,

I pick it up anyway.

The next few steps guide me under a tree,

What do I find buried with just enough to see,

A perfect partner for my unique shell,

Simply lying in wait for me.

Some time has passed and it’s getting dark,

I cradle my shells and shelter my heart,

I smile back at her as she looks at me,

Both of us searching and finding what we need.

Burnt but not Shrivelled

I’ve been burnt,

The skin’s starting to peel,

Red raw pinky flesh,

Is this real?

I’ve spent hours in the sunshine,

Only to be clouded by night,

Thoughts of him creep in,

Will I sleep tonight?

I’ve been lied to before,

Constant cause of anxiety,

Honesty is hard to come by,

Trust me?

I’ve experience pure bliss,

Bringing nothing but joy,

I’ve experienced pure horror,

Tell me, what scares you more?

I’ve come to a cross roads,

Tough decisions to make,

The journey beginning,

Perhaps it’s been never ending?

I’ve been burnt,

The skin is still raw,

Slowly healing,

I can ask for nothing more.

All of Me and None of You

A few majestic sunrises,
A few gentle smiles,
A few gorgeous travelers,
A few thousand miles.

So many sunsets,
So many tides,
So many experiences,
So many things make it worthwhile.

Too many people,
Too many leave,
Too many names to remember,
Too many good deeds.

So much happiness,
So much inner strength,
So much possibility,
So much of "where to next".

Never enough learning,
Never enough adventure,
Never enough memories,
Never enough of endless love.

Not enough time,
Not enough touch,
Not enough honesty,
Not enough and yet to much.

Never ending hospitality,
Never ending beginnings,
Never ending journeys,
Never ending friendships.

Let the love in again.

Healing and Healthy

The break is clean,
The cut is sharp,
The wound is stitched,
Now it's just a bleeding heart.

This time it's easier,
Easier than the countless times before,
To stitch my life together,
To heal once more.

The healing is faster,
The wound not as deep,
The painkiller of presence,
That's all I really need.

No need for long term treatment,
A seven day course will do,
A few kisses from strangers,
That's all I need to get over you.

The cast is off,
The break has healed,
Strengthening the muscle,
Slightly fragile still.

It will not take long,
To strengthen again,
Training daily and taking care,
Healing and healthy,

I'm getting there.

I Feel You

I knew you'd left my island,

I felt it in my soul,

Like a band-aid being ripped off,

The rawest wound,

A cut so deep,

It woke me from my sleep.

Every step you took,

Further away from me,

Each mile of separation,

Brought me to my knees,

Finding myself crying,

Begging the Lord "please".

Run, Run,

Like a scared child,

Do not face your fears,

Little do you know,

The monsters in your closet,

Will follow you everywhere you go.

Go backwards,

It's your choice,

It's always a shorter journey,

Than moving forward,

Go back to your old habits,

It's all you'll ever know.

I feel so sorry for you,

Not being able to let go,

Not being able to,

Conquer the unknown,

Even when I held your hand,

You chose to let go.

I'm glad I got to know,

The many faces you wear,

Looking into you,

I found my own raw and bare,

I'll feel you forever,

But you'll never know.

You've got a thousand faces,

Tell me which is you,

Do you even know?

Because I can feel you,

I know the real you,

I have felt you in my soul.

Listen to Your Inner Being

Deep down in my soul,

I knew you could not change,

But my foolishness led me to believe,

You might just be the one for me.

I truly believe,

If you’d stuck it out with me,

You might have finally been free,

Free from,

Your demons,

Your ego,

And your insecurities.

My internal being,

In my precious little soul,

I knew you’d leave me once more,

This I actively chose to ignore.

I can’t even be angry at you,

In the end it’s my responsibility,

To listen to my inner voice,

That internal queen.

Such self ignorance,

Such foolishness,

Utter stupidity,

An active choice to believe,

That just maybe,

You’d want me enough,

To stay with me.

This feeling of rejection,

I’ve felt so many times before,

My low self-esteem the cause of it all,

Picking myself off the ground once more.

I’m going to rehabilitate,

Free myself of this addiction,

Thailand,

Miles and miles of distance,

Should cleans me of this affliction,

This,

Abused woman syndrome.

Never in my life have I met someone so cruel yet so kind,

Bipolar personalities that chop and change,

From depression and cruelty,

To the deepest beauty I have ever seen.

I will somehow heal,

Finally grow,

Into the secure woman I have yet to know,

It’s actually a blessing that you’ve discarded me.

Travelling far far away,

Will certainly set me free,

Knowing,

You can’t come back to ruin me.

Dearest Mother

You’re right,

You’ve always been right,

I don’t know why I chose to believe,

There might be a possibility that you could be wrong.

You were right,

About every man I’ve ever dated,

Except for one,

The one who’s stood by me for oh so long.

You were right,

About the economy,

How hard it would be,

Silly me for not listening.

You were right,

About university,

Thank you for pushing me,

To a higher degree.

You were right,

About my anger,

My insecurities,

How ignorant of me.

You were right,

About my being lazy,

Something,

I refused to see.

You were right,

About travelling,

It’s been more,

Than good for me.

I’ve always thought you were a pessimist,

Discovering now you’ve always been a realist,

It’s my fault for not listening,

For letting him take advantage of me.

You’ve been right all along,

I truly hope I’ll continue to believe,

That you’ve always been right,

About what’s good for me.

"To Much of Thinking"

I think because of my vulnerability,
My epilepsy, my disease,
I don't like to party with people I don't trust,
I obviously don't trust myself?

I think because of my insecurity,
I avoid people who judge me,
Because, you know,
I really don't judge myself enough.

I think because of my modesty,
I don't like to drink,
Well, rather, I don't like to be drunk,
I've seen it enough.

I think because of my curiosity,
I don't like to be tempted,
Not stupid enough to take drugs,
I like my real me without the chemical "ease".

I think because of my comfortability,
With my life and my own company,
I'm truly off the idea of continuous parties,
Every now and a again it's fun but not all the time.

I think because I really know what I want,
Travelling has shown me that,
As much as it's been fun, it's not the ideal run,
I want something more than nomadic freedom.

I think because I didn't want any regrets,
I packed up all my things and left,
Strangely now I'm suffering from regret,
Leaving may not be my best decision yet.

I think because I was told so many times,
Travelling is the best thing you can do in life,
I believed it to be true,
All it's done is take me far away from all of you.

I think that maybe because I'm new at this,
Maybe I'm being weak,
Is this something all travelers go through?
Am I supposed to to overcome this or follow my real cue?

Every Journey Has a Purpose

You’ll find yourself in your deepest moments of despair,

You’ll find yourself in the quiet moments alone,

You’ll find yourself at university and

You’ll find yourself in me.

Travelling does tests your boundaries,

Tests your insecurities,

Challenges your sense of self,

Tests your adaptability to survive in the unknown.

I’m not sure in travelling I am finding myself,

I believe that because I have already touched the deepest corners of my soul,

Travelling is simply a life goal,

Not a journey of self-definition for me, simply a journey to be free.

I know that in leaving my home, my country,

I am putting distance between you and me,

But how else could I possibly heal,

From the mental torment and constant fear.

I’ve found myself in the deepest of depressions,

In the moments of pure ecstasy,

In the tides and currents of the sea,

I know the universe and it knows me.

I’ve tested my inner strength,

Really stretched my capacity,

Lived through horrors that no one should ever see,

Gotten to a point where I really like me.

So what is this journey all about?

If not to somehow find myself,

Perhaps finding isn’t the goal of it all,

Maybe getting lost is the purpose of travelling alone.

What Is It About Her?

Is it her suspicious evaluation?

Her undercut compliments,

Or her sense of entitlement,

To the man I am with.

Is it the looks of envy?

When he smiles and dances with me,

When he kisses and cuddles me,

When he flatters and courts me.

Is it the judgement?

Does she even know the half of it?

Does he confide in her and what half-truths has he told,

Is it his fault she looks at me with caution and scold?

Has he been with her?

Would he ever tell me the truth?

What is it about her?

Maybe it’s not about her but really about me?

Is it just this woman I am threatened by?

Or is it an overall insecurity?

Caused by knowing the man I love continuously lies to me,

Caused by knowing I’m disposable and worth very little.

What is it about these women?

Both young and old,

Those that threaten me and my love to the core,

Those that make my skin crawl.

It’s in the way they look at me,

It’s in the way they physically threaten me,

Hands all over my lover’s body,

Is it the power they have against me, knowing I’m only going where they have already been?

Is it mistrust in him, knowing he could be easily manipulated?

Knowing he is manipulative and equally deceitful,

Knowing that he has lied to me before,

Knowing that he’s discarded me more and more.

Is it my own insecurity, a feeling like I’m not worthy?

I don’t think so, because I honestly truthfully know

He will never find love like this again,

I have a gift, a power you see,

An all-encompassing, enlightening energy.

Perhaps that’s just it,

I’m here to teach,

Not to enjoy the fruits of long term intimacy,

Maybe doomed to be a goddess among the mess,

Never belonging to one but drifting and teaching as I go along?

What Is It About Betrayal?

How does one define it?

How does one give parameter to something so personal, something so infinite?

Can I hold him liable for his denial of honesty with me?

We all lie, don't we?

What is it about his past that he is so ashamed of?

What else is he not telling me?

Does he think I'll love him less if I know all about his history?

Is this why I lie to him and why he lies to me?

Why does not this guy want to share his life, his past and his present with me?

Can understanding my own reasoning and self-doubt help me figure him out?

I've lied, predominantly for the fear of "devaluing" my "reputation";

For fear of hurting someone unnecessarily;

For fear of losing someone because they might think differently about me.

So truthfully, honestly, maybe, I believe,

That sometimes lying is a need?

Am I really saying this? Is this really what I think?

The constant debate begins ...

How do I ever feel sure again, sure that he will always be completely honest with me?

Will I ever be completely honest with him in return?

Did I not decide that there were parts of me that were ok, were acceptable, ethically moral to hide?

Surely then I can not deny him the same standard of "secrecy" maybe there are some things I do not need to know about him and that he does not need to know about me.

The simpler lies when there's really nothing to hide,

Things I can not justify him lying about, things I can not imagine myself hiding,

These are the lies I'm truly worried about.

Besides the mammoth obstacle of truth and betrayal, there is another niggling itch,

How do I ever feel secure in this relationship knowing he could discard me in an instant?

Everything I've read and everything I know points to a shallow narcissistic soul:

Three patterns ring out loud: Idealise, devalue and discard,

His charm keeps me coming back for more, this dichotomy of pleasure and immense pain,

I can no longer keep riding this rollercoaster time and time again.

There Has to come a point when I realise and walk away,

I fear being caught in this negative bliss, finally so deep I'll drown in it.

He's loured me in and thrown me away,

This constant cycle, the confusion of it all,

I'll never understand this rapid rise and fall.

My love for him was always so painfully sure,

Now tainted by mistrust and insecurity,

Constant anticipation of his next painful mess.

His next lie or his possible infidelity,

The next time he spontaneously decides to discard me,

Next time I'll walk away for sure,

I said that last time and the time before.

Between the lies, the betrayal and the immense sense of insecurity there is an even crazier part of me, the part that's still hanging on, still staying true, still trying to make things work with you.