How does one define it?
How does one give parameter to something so personal, something so infinite?
Can I hold him liable for his denial of honesty with me?
We all lie, don't we?
What is it about his past that he is so ashamed of?
What else is he not telling me?
Does he think I'll love him less if I know all about his history?
Is this why I lie to him and why he lies to me?
Why does not this guy want to share his life, his past and his present with me?
Can understanding my own reasoning and self-doubt help me figure him out?
I've lied, predominantly for the fear of "devaluing" my "reputation";
For fear of hurting someone unnecessarily;
For fear of losing someone because they might think differently about me.
So truthfully, honestly, maybe, I believe,
That sometimes lying is a need?
Am I really saying this? Is this really what I think?
The constant debate begins ...
How do I ever feel sure again, sure that he will always be completely honest with me?
Will I ever be completely honest with him in return?
Did I not decide that there were parts of me that were ok, were acceptable, ethically moral to hide?
Surely then I can not deny him the same standard of "secrecy" maybe there are some things I do not need to know about him and that he does not need to know about me.
The simpler lies when there's really nothing to hide,
Things I can not justify him lying about, things I can not imagine myself hiding,
These are the lies I'm truly worried about.
Besides the mammoth obstacle of truth and betrayal, there is another niggling itch,
How do I ever feel secure in this relationship knowing he could discard me in an instant?
Everything I've read and everything I know points to a shallow narcissistic soul:
Three patterns ring out loud: Idealise, devalue and discard,
His charm keeps me coming back for more, this dichotomy of pleasure and immense pain,
I can no longer keep riding this rollercoaster time and time again.
There Has to come a point when I realise and walk away,
I fear being caught in this negative bliss, finally so deep I'll drown in it.
He's loured me in and thrown me away,
This constant cycle, the confusion of it all,
I'll never understand this rapid rise and fall.
My love for him was always so painfully sure,
Now tainted by mistrust and insecurity,
Constant anticipation of his next painful mess.
His next lie or his possible infidelity,
The next time he spontaneously decides to discard me,
Next time I'll walk away for sure,
I said that last time and the time before.
Between the lies, the betrayal and the immense sense of insecurity there is an even crazier part of me, the part that's still hanging on, still staying true, still trying to make things work with you.
