Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) by Bryan Reeves

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her. I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. 
I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less. I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered. Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years. She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that. I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her. Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.
Choose wisely. ॐ
Written by Bryan Reeves

Cognative Disability

I question myself every day,
I cannot end up that way.

I berate and belittle myself,
It's all I know, the strongest lesson you bestowed.

I work on myself, inside and out,
Second guessing my everything.

I know I'll never be good enough,
I was taught that, young and tough.

I know nothing will ever be "right",
Understanding the disability my only insight.

The waves of destruction wear me thin,
I manage to break away and miraculously revive again.

This viscous, constant cycle of psychological hell,
The all consuming spiral into intertwining, debilitating swell.

I love you, I'm somehow programmed to,
Sadly, honestly the majority of the time neither I nor anyone else can stand you.

I respect you, for everything you've achieved, everything you've gone through,
You did the best that you could do and for your successes I applaud you.

I am fascinated by your ability to run a business and make money,
Being a single mother isn't easy.

I'm constantly shattered by your inability to see,
The destruction of your cruelty.

I live in constant anxiety,
Because my mother has a bipolar disability.  

Life After You

Reflecting on the past few months,

My life has been amazing,

From the very beginning,

A strong decision,

A conscious action that’s attracted,

More amazing experiences than I could ever have imagined.

The strangers I’ve met and the ones I’ve know forever,

The friends, the lifelines, the cream of my crop,

Each one of them has led me down a unique but significant path.

Skating the golden mile,

Conquering fear in a cage of adrenaline,

Circled and circled by a hooligan,

Drinking beer in a circus caravan,

Mongolian horse riders and fully made up clowns,

There is nothing quite like learning to say yes,

Being open to whatever comes next.

Interpreting Chinese in the center of Johannesburg,

A boiling pot of personalities and cultures,

Perceptions of Karaoke shattered,

Unfamiliar and suspicious,

Looking back it was ridiculous,

Hysterical laughter,

As people lose track of it all,

Dinner and Karaoke in China Town,

There is nothing quite like the experience of it all.

Mountainous magic,

Fresh air and blood flow,

The simplest reward,

Reaching the top and appreciating,

The view of beauty and majesty,

The ability to be,

The brutally honest, inappropriate and real me,

The richness of Mother Nature while hiking in the Magalies.

Making time for melancholy,

Putting energy into the longest standing energies,

Those who have watched one another,

Make their way from puberty into the best men they can be,

Recording life stories and memories,

Lifelong friends and bonds like family.

The city of sunshine,

Pink bubbles and good times,

Dancing like the world was mine,

The ecstasy of water slides and wave rides,

The sweet tint of sun kissed skin,

The shock of cold water as you swim,

The bliss of sweet kisses and endless smiles,

The craziest 4x4 buggy rides,

Like teenagers with unlimited access,

We explore and experience the magic of a truly African sunset,

Memories I hope I never forget.

Attracting more and more unforgettable experiences,

The glory of it all as time stands still,

Presence and awareness, there’s nothing quite like it,

Your mind, your obsessions, your aggression and worries disappear,

The best thing I ever did was let go of you to love and to live again.

The Four Milestones

Let me begin by saying I love you because I'm pretty much sure that's why it still hurts.

Let me elaborate by saying thank you for the moments of pure bliss, explosive intimacy, safety, love and soul touching intensity.

Let me acknowledge that I've begun to forgive you for the heart ache I'm going through but I'm not yet ready to say - I forgive you.

I'm sorry...
No wait, I'm not,
I can't think of even one thing I'm sorry about.

Happy Birthday

Mon Amour,

I wanted to call,
I wanted to say,
I truly wish you a Happy Birthday.

If I call,
Even just to wish you,
I might unbalance everything I've worked through.

If I reach out,
I'd have no idea what else to say,
Making a fool of myself in every way.

So instead of reopening old wounds,
Instead of reaching out to you,
I'll write you this note and simply hope that you have a Happy Happy Birthday.

I Just Can't

I can't get your blood off my sheets,
I can't erase you from my memory,
Yet I can't remember the way you feel.

Nearly a year,
We made it through,
Somehow I can't remember what it was like to be with you.

Nearly a lifetime committed to you,
You gave it all up for the booze,
There was no other option to choose.

I miss you now,
But I know this to be true,
It's the intimacy I'm missing, not actually you.

I can't regain the part of me that I gave to you,
That's ok,
I am at peace with that new part of you.

I cannot see a way of working this out,
Yet somehow I still feel doubt,
Some shimmer of hope of working this out.

With a thousand thoughts of you a day,
I still can't figure out what to say,
A dead end, stale mate, check mate, game.

Maybe

Maybe it was love,
Maybe he still loves me,
Maybe he will realise it and come back to me.

Maybe I'm a fool,
Maybe I'm dreaming,
Maybe he really wasn't right for me.

Maybe he's drinking,
Wait, of course he's drinking,
It's all he knows and all he does.

Maybe he's studying,
Wait, of course he isn't,
He's dropped out and given up on everything.

Maybe I pushed him,
But I spoke about this many times,
"Don't do this for me, do it for you".

Maybe I scared him,
With the possibility of being happy,
The truth is he'd rather be drunk than be with me.

Maybe the rumors are true,
Maybe the new blond is better for you,
Maybe she allows you to be a drunk fool.

Maybe the whispers are true,
Maybe no one actually wants to be around you,
How sad because I loved every inch of you.

Maybe I'm obsessed with all of this,
The way you turned 360, told me you loved me,
Only to insult me 3 days later over coffee.

Maybe it's not worth the energy,
Conscious decisions made to get rid of me,
Maybe he just wasnt ready?

So They Say

When you know,
You know,
It can't be explained.

How am I ever going to trust myself again?

He's not worth it,
You'll find someone new,
Someone better than the way he treated you.

I loved every inch of him, what if it wasn't him but the addiction?

In time you'll realise,
He wasn't good for you,
Time will heal everything you're going through.

It's been months, it feels like years, why is my mind still unsure?

Think about everything he did to you,
Do you really want to be with a drunk fool?
Do you really want to be with a man that continues to discard you?

I know, I know, but what if he's changed, become the man I know he can?

You will move on,
You will meet someone new,
You will get over everything he put you through.

Sadly all I want, still, is you, could this love ever have been true?

Blind Manipulation

Blindside?
Let me tell you about blindside,
Let me elaborate on manipulation.

Ma Reine?
It's what he used to call me,
Making me believe he valued me.

Apology?
That's how he used to lure me,
Only to discard and torture me.

Addiction?
That's how he got my vote of sympathy,
Only to turn around and hit me unexpectedly.

Lies?
That's how he used to control me,
Making me believe he was man enough to change.

Emotional appeal?
That's how he used to influence me,
Only to go back to the drinking and discard me.

Affliction,
That's all he was to me,
Lying, draining, manipulating and forsaking me.

Belief?
That's what I had in him,
Long gone now with the August winds.

Strength,
That's what I saw in him,
Only to realise there was none there to begin.

Possibility,
That's what I wanted for him,
Only to have him trow it all away and binge again.

Admiration,
That's how I felt about him,
Until he walked away to drink again.

You Can't Save The Ones You Love - Inspired by Jason Silva

The lyrics,
The rhythm,
Cementing the tragedy,
Reliving it momentarily.

Bleeding to be saved,
Romance the savior,
Reflection is beauty,
Control is behavior.

How can we save ourselves?
How can we go on?
How do we let go?
The death of love.

It happened,
We existed,
We felt more than we could have imagined,
Forever plastered in pictures and poems.

I am the creator,
Of the past,
How I remember it,
Forever makes it last.

You were the wounded,
The little bird I tried to save,
From past experiences I knew,
Yet I still tried to save you.

Love is the connection,
Severed and in dismay,
Love is the existential bummer,
That we all somehow crave.

Logic is our savior,
As well as our demise,
Learning to live and dream,
And still feel alive.

Emotional awareness,
My greatest asset,
Self rationalising till I fully understand it,
Emotions clouding the water, I drift in it.

I can't save the ones I love,
I can only live in awe,
Experiencing "mindgasm",
That's what I'm striving for.

I Don't Miss You

I miss the cuddles,
I miss the human touch,
I miss the wanting and the lust,
But I don't miss you.

I miss the dinners,
I miss the dancing,
I miss the laughing and socialising,
But I don't miss you.

I miss the belonging,
I miss the security,
I miss the possibility,
But I don't miss you.

Although when I think about it all,
I've got the coffees,
Ive got the human touch,
I will regain my wanting and my lust.

I've got the diners,
The VIP parties too,
I've got the dancing,
So I really don't miss you.

I don't miss your smile or your addictive denial,
I don't miss your lack of interesting conversation,
I don't miss your disgusting irrisponsible behaviour,
I don't miss your insane and erratic emotions.

I don't miss your inability for empathy,
I don't miss the way you discarded me,
I don't miss your insecurity and jealousy,
I truly don't miss you, most days I wonder what I ever saw in you.

By Surprise

Sometimes life takes you by surprise,
Dreaded moments turn out to be,
More pleasant than predicted,
More remarkable than foreseen .

Sometimes life kidnaps you for a ride,
Negative preemption turns into,
Eases into,
Instant relief of apprehension.

Sometimes life turns 360 degrees,
Flipping you from,
Destructive to creative energy,
Fueling more than just self sustainability.

Sometimes life flips you upside down,
Allowing for a different perspective,
A chance to be grateful,
The fresh angle is experiential.

Sometimes life catches up on you,
Reminding,
Confining,
Encroaching on you.

Sometimes life is smooth sailing,
Floating from moment to moment,
Buoyant on awareness,
Moved only by your senses.

Sometimes life is not an easy catch,
Reeling and reeling,
A fight to win,
Pulling with everything you have left to give.

Sometimes life seems clear and true,
Purpose defined in everything you do,
Pride and ego at the forefront too,
Only for life to come knocking on the door to remind you,
That life is ever changing and so are you.

You Were The One

You were the one,
Who taught me about addiction,
The psychological affliction.

You were the one,
Who taught me about rejection,
A priceless life lesson.

You were the one,
Who taught me about respect,
How to value myself when there is nothing else left.

You were the one,
Who taught me patience,
It's not a virtue that can be wasted.

You were the one,
Who taught me about trust,
Such a fine line when you're in love.

You were the one,
Who taught me about myself,
A person I now love and trust.

You were the one,
Who taught me not to judge,
Myself for what I do and don't want.

You were the one,
Who taught me about pain,
There is nothing quite like the sting of being discarded.

You were the one,
Who taught me about disgust,
I've never been so put off.

You were the one,
Who taught me about giving chances,
They need to be limited to avoid disappointment.

You were the one,
Who taught me about friendships,
How sad that you know nothing of it.

You were the one,
Who taught me about fragility,
Emotions to deep to verbalise to me.

You were the one,
Who taught me about honesty,
Something you'll never give anybody.

You were the one,
Who taught me about emotional instability,
Comforting with a "Du-du" like a baby.

You were the one,
Who taught me about empathy,
So sad its a skill you'll never match to me.

You were the one,
Who taught me about falsities,
Never answering anything with complete honesty.

You were the one,
Who taught me about insanity,
Never knowing what you want, your life in a slump.

You were the one,
Who taught me to let go,
Walking away from the man I'll never really know.

Imagine A Woman In Love With Herself By Patricia Lynn Reilly

“Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as a breath.

Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.

Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
A woman who produces original creations.
Who refuses to color inside someone else’s lines.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.

Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenger.
Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.

Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.

Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
A woman who is available to herself.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.

Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
Who expects others to be challenged and blessed by her presence in their lives.

Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
Who has taken her rightful place beside them in the human community.

Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the necessary skills to navigate through the challenges of life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.

Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.

Imagine yourself as this woman.”

I DO!

Forgetting

I remember the dancing,
Oh I remember it well,
The security and freedom all at once.

I remember the laughing,
I remember almost crying,
Laughing till more than your stomach is tightening.

I remember the smiles,
Wide from ear to ear,
Photographs that capture the feeling of you near.

I remember the adventures,
Taking giant leaps of faith,
Free falling to escape.

I remember the warmth,
The summer sun shine,
The cold of beers when you were still mine.

I remember the excitement,
The butterflies and longing,
My body and soul almost belonging.

I remember the honesty,
When you said nothing at all,
All I needed was to hear your breath rise and fall.

I remember the joy,
Of simply being together,
Responsibilities as light as a feather.

I remember our youth,
The intensity of it all,
Emotions like tidal waves that rise and fall.

There Is No Conscience In Insanity

I know you're not aware,
I know you cannot see,
The depth of your insanity.

Weeks and weeks of reflection,
Words of admiration and affection,
Three days later using words as a weapon.

I know you tried your best,
Overcoming irrational jealousy and insecurity,
If you knew yourself you'd recognise the insanity.

One minute you're sure,
The next you're not,
Emotions ever changing my heart caught in the knot.

One minute you love me,
Admiring all of me,
The next day you're telling me no man will ever want me.

You have no idea who you really are,
Your emotions deep,
Your decisions shallow.

Maybe it's not conscious,
Putting me through hell,
Either way I'm done.

I can no longer suffer,
I can no longer believe,
Your insanity is all I see.

Entanglement

I've touched the center of your sorrow,
I've felt the beating of your heart,
I've been to the darkest corners of your soul,
Entangled in it all.

I've taught you about yourself,
I've made you feel something sublime,
I've shown you the depths of the universe,
In it all, you were mine.

I've found the center of myself,
I've given parts of it to you,
I've loved and lost,
Belonging to you.

I've seen the real you,
I've seen that spark of potential,
I've known more about you than was instrumental,
To my own soul detrimental.

I've opened the heavens,
I've braved the gates of hell,
I've come out with a knowledge second to none,
Teaching a select few to transcend love.

I've seen it in your eyes,
I've felt it in your skin,
I've been into your being,
I know your soul within.

I've been waiting,
I've been wanting,
I've been hoping for your touch,
Moving on at a huge cost.

I've lost that part,
I've lost that being,
I've lost the connection, all seeing,
Entangled in what is only a dream.

I've got a purpose,
I've got the love,
I've got the patience and trust,
To finally be entangled again in love and lust.

I've got the strength,
I've got the motivation,
I've got what I need to sever this connection,
The pain of a soul to soul connection.

I've got the foresight,
I've got the confidence,
I've got so much to give,
Finding someone else to be entangled with.

Salt In The Wound

Why do people feel the need to prolong pain?
Why do ex partners feel the need to talk again?

Why would old lovers not make a clean break?
Why would you break someones heart twice for goodness sake?

Why can we not stand by our decisions?
Why can we not see how selfish it is to make contact after cutting?

Why can't we learn to take responsibility?
Why can't we understand that you can't break someones heart and still hold their hand?

Why can't we see the torture we impose?
Why can't we just move on and let go?

Why do we give in to our selfish needs?
Why do we feel the need to make them bleed while we grieve?

Why do we torture ourselves so?
Why do we allow our thoughts of longing to show?

Why do we continue to entertain thoughts of being loved by them again?
Why do we wish, want and hope when logic is what's keeping us afloat?

Why do people allow themselves to go down this route?
Why do people drag us through this pain, over and over again?

Why put salt in the wound?
Why add to the pain?
Why not just bare your own heart break instead of breaking mine again?

Living and Learning

Learn to love someone else,
Prepare for the cost,
Love doesn't come without some sense of loss.

Learn to forgive,
Prepare for the reward,
Forgiveness releases you not them.

Learn to let go,
Fogiveness is not always enough,
Move forward with love.

Learn to be selfish,
But never at a cost,
Selfless and selfish are a balancing act.

Learn to balance,
Life will surely throw you off,
Regain your center at any cost.

Learn to smile,
At whom ever you may meet,
A true smile creates some sense of peace.

Learn to laugh,
Especially at yourself,
Don't take anything seriously if it's not.

Learn to be humble,
Approve of yourself,
No achievement of yours is worth anything to anyone else.

Learn to accept,
Dont fight it,
The flow of life can be violent.

Learn to survive,
Don't become a victim,
Only you can change your situation.

Learn to dream,
Don't belittle aspiration,
Dreams are seeds of inspiration.

Learn to love yourself,
Above anyone else,
You are the only one who truly knows yourself.

I Know You

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You're a coward.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You'd give up.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You'll never put in the required effort.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You never really wanted me back.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
It wasn't longing but guilt you needed to release.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You really don't care for me at all.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
All you wanted was a way out.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You wanted to ease your self destruction with my "leave me alone" instruction.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
That the you I thought I knew was never really you at all.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You were never really going to fight for this at all.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You'll drink and wallow in your sorrow.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You'll carry on the same as before.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You will never catch me but always let me fall.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
You'll always choose the booze.

I know you,
Well enough to know,
That I don't want to know you any more.

What Is This Life Worth?

That little beating heart,
That tiny precious being,
That life that could be.

Who makes the decision,
Who takes responsibility,
Who breathes life into thee?

What makes you ready,
What makes you worthy,
What makes this life worth it?

Can you be a single parent,
Can you give everything up,
Can you do what needs to be done?

When are you prepared,
When does it end,
When do you know this is the best?

Does he have the right,
Does he have the strength,
Does she tell him in the end?

Do they know,
Do they see,
Do they realise she's hiding this from everybody?

Can she survive,
Can she thrive,
Can she feed throughout the night?

Should she go,
Should she stay,
Should she throw this life away?

Does she tell,
Does she lie,
Does she leave it to pass by?

Time is tight,
Time is unforgiving,
Time is the only thing she's loosing.

Do You Feel?

Do you feel no remorse,
Do you feel no pain,
Do you not long for my touch once again?

Do you feel no loss,
Do you feel no shame,
Do you not miss saying my name?

Do you feel no lust,
Do you feel no longing,
Do you not miss being in my arms, belonging?

Do you feel no sorrow,
Do you feel no regret,
Do you really think it's that easy to forget?

Do you feel shallow,
Do you feel hollow,
Do you feel nothing for tomorrow?

Do you feel nothing,
No sense of craving,
No respect for me with the way you're behaving?

No yearning,
No pining,
No need to feel our bodies entwining?

Do you really feel nothing,
Nothing at all,
Nothing for the loss of us.

Did you ever feel anything at all?

This Is Not For You

I owe you,
No kindness,
No favours,
No respect.

I owe you,
Nothing,
No time,
No energy.

I owe you,
No pity,
No understanding,
No forgiveness.

I owe you,
No empathy,
No sympathy,
No integrity.

I owe you,
No tears,
No pain,
No heartbreak.

Yet you ask of me,
Favors of kindness,
Favors of consideration,
Favors of integrity.

I'll break my heart,
One last time,
I'll make the journey,
To where you were once mine.

I'll do you this favour,.
Not for you,
For the sake of my own,.
Let my integrity be known.

What Do You Want From Me?

What do you want from me?
Forgiveness,
Kindness,
Understanding?

What do you want from me?
Release,
Relief,
Respect?

What do you want from me?
Acceptance,
Condoning,
Encouragement?

What do you want from me?
An overture,
An indication,
A hint of hope?

What do you want from me?
To beg,
To plead,
To surrender?

What do you want from me?
Tears,
Weakness,
Drama?

What do you want from me?
Baptism,
Confession,
Punishment?

What do you want from me?
Clarity,
Dignity,
Self respect?

What do you want from me?
Love,
Longing,
Belonging again?

What do you want from me?
Sanctuary,
Soul,
Cleansing?

What do you want from me?
Why do you want anything of me at all?
You've had my soul, my heart, my body,.
You've made it clear you do not want me any more.

Why Explain?

If you never want to see her again,.
Why feel the need to explain?

If you feel she's not the one for you,.
Why feel the need to define it?

If you feel like she's not healthy for you,.
Why not simply walk away, do not justify it?

 If you feel like you can not give anymore,.
Why feel the need to clarify it?

If you actually know what you do and do not want,.
Why feel the need to describe it?

 If you're ready to let go,.
Then why not stand by it?

If you know in your heart that it's best you part,.
The why feel the need to resolve or rationalise it?

If you do not want to work it through because your tired,.
Why feel the need to take pity on what you leave undesired?

If you truly know it's the end,.
Then why not just let go?

If you know the pain you put yourself and her through is going to better you,.
Then why feel the need to complicate it or even make contact?

If you were cruel enough to lure her along,.
Why feel the need to be ashamed or pity her devastation?

 If you do what's best for you,.
She can not blame you for it,.

If she loved you truly deeply,.
She will need no further explanation.

She we will walk away without hesitation,.
If it means you're better for it.

Anything For You

I would have given the world for you,.
Forgiven you a hundred times if I needed to,.
I would have worked through anything with you.

I would have stood by your side,.
Loved you in every possible way,.
Forsaken all others to be yours from this day.

I would have taken care of you for the rest of time,.
I would have protected you from any pain,.
I would have never let you go if you were mine.

I could have made all your dreams come true,.
I could have healed all your wounds,.
I could have been your biggest allie through thick and thin.

I am still in love with you,.
I will always be,
But there is nothing I can do but accept I have been discarded by you.

You've thrown me away,
Rejected my love,
Treated me like I was never enough.

Not enough to keep you,
Not enough to please you,
Not enough to sustain you when all else falls away.

Maybe its not me but your own demons you fight,.
I'll never know the answers but I'm alright with that,.
Walking away knowing I gave it my all.

I always had integrity,
I always did my best,
I never took anything personally,
and never made assumptions.

I take comfort in that fact that no one will ever love you like that,.
Knowing I gave you more chances than you deserved and I never looked back,.
Knowing that to you I was not worth your time or even the slightest bit of respect.

Drinking has always been your first choice and I will never be second to that,.
I'll never be left hanging again for a man that would rather get drunk than make love,.
I'll never disrespect myself again for a man that simply walks away to go drinking once again.
I would have done anything for you but I will not do that.

Do I Understand This Correctly?

YOU are unsettled,

Buy the way YOU ended,

The best thing that ever happened?

I'm on YOUR mind,

YOU have lots to say,

YOUR only concern is YOURSELF in every way.

YOU'RE feeling guilty?

A feeling of unfinished business,

Wanting to clear YOUR own head by talking through it.

Are YOU serious?

Is this a joke?

Breaking up with me then wanting to talk.

Are YOU insane?

Making me relive the pain,

Wanting to break up with me all over again?

Are YOU mental?

My pain instrumental,

YOUR detrimental addictive affliction.

I can not fathom,

YOUR level of self centered action,.

To think YOU have the right to closure at my dissatisfaction.

How dare YOU,

After everything I've done,

Ask more of me for YOUR own peace of mind?

Do YOU ​​ever stop to think?

About anyone but YOURSELF.

How selfish YOU are to think YOU could ease YOUR needs while my heart bleeds.

Do YOU ​​really believe that what YOU'VE done is right?

Luring a girls heart out for a romantic night,.

Discarding her almost on sight.

Did YOU really think?

I would allow YOU to repeat,.

Everything you said last week?

I would have done anything for YOU,.

I would have worked through it all,.

But I can no longer be discarded by YOU anymore.

My Greatest Disappointment

Out of all the talent I have nurtured,.
Out of all the potential I have encouraged,.
Yours is by far the greatest disappointment.

All that charm,
All that ability,
To get anyone to do anything.

All that intelligence,
You could soar,
You ground yourself for fear of the fall.

All that passion,
Pent up, kept in,
Months of working through your outer skin.

All that rhythm,
Dancing trough life,
Choosing to stumble and slur, life moving by in nothing but a blur.

All that masculinity,
Wasted aggression,
Leads to depression and child-like tantrums.

All that potential,
All that talent,
Everything I could ever want destroyed by your inhibitions.

All that balance and spirituality,
Slowly revealing, cracks that shed light,.
On your internal selfish insight.

All that I came to know,.
Led me to one answer,
I touched the center of your soul,.
Only to discover it was tainted, cruel, selfish and cold.

Are You Insane?

All dressed up,
Excitement in my step,
I can not wait to see you,.
And kiss your tainted lips.

Filled with passion,
A deep intense longing,
Heels that flatter,
Garters holding stocking.

Nothing but happiness,
Smiles from ear to ear,
A romantic dinner,
With the man I am in love with near.

Hit by surprise,
Complete disguise,
Two whiskeys waiting,
Defiance and ice like cruelty.

Thrown off balance,
No explanation,
My offer to try and fix it,.
Completely rejected with nothing but a blank stare to end it.

I've been let down,
Disappointed and hurt,
Nothing comes close,
To the pain of dating and alcoholic jerk.

I've been feeling like a mental patient,.
Trying to understand it,
The complete insanity of your actions,.
And the words that accompany your torture.

A week later, you show your face again,.
Not to apologise, not to ease my pain,.
But rather to selfishly get it off your chest,.
To torture me for your own self centered rest.

You chose to disguard me,
Over and over again,
Only to further torture me so you can explain,.
It's probably better if I never see your face again.

Find your answers at the bottom of a bottle,.
Find your friendships at Sunday Funk,.
Find your passion by committing to nothing,.
But leave me out of your insanity.

Forgive, Find and Fumble

I'm going to use every discipline,.
Every technique,
To keep me from begging at your feet.

I'm going to fight the craving,.
Kick the addiction,
Find a way to get over this affliction.

I'm going to tie my hands,.
And steady my feet,
Make sure I'm happier, lest we meet.

I'm going to hurt,
I'm going to long,
Doing my best not to question,.
My every action with obsessive fascination,.
Of how you let go of the best thing that ever happened?

I'm going to miss you in the quiet moments between,.
The smiles and miles will pass by,.
Wondering only briefly what if and why?

It will be a process,
A logical thought out remedy,
A controlled and planned journey,
Forgiving but not fogetting.

It will be a feat,
One I have already overcome,
Climbing this mountain once more,
Doing my best not to fall.

It will be engineered to perfection,.
A healing process,
Ready for implementation.

It will be considered,
Tendered, tweaked and blended,
Designed to console me over how this ended.

It will be no-where-near simple,.
Opportunity for a relapse ample,
Confidence in the princples,
Methodic and mental,
Fighting my "stories" instrumental.

Living On, Not Able To

Living on caffeine,
Letting go of a dream.

Not able to eat,
This sorrow in my stomachs pit.

Not being able to think,
Consumed by guilt.

Living on cigarettes,
Trying to forget.

Not being able to speak,
Explanations fall short.

Not being able to work,
My mind is a mess.

Living on hope,
Not letting go.

Not being able to focus,
My thoughts are yours alone.

Not being able to forgive,
Your friends for thier narrow points of view.

Living on painkillers,
Anything to forget.

Not being able to comprehend,
How you could walk away.

Not being able to understand,
Why things ended this way.

Living on fumes of our history,.
remembering what you meant to me.

Day Break, Heart Break, For Heavens Sake

Every sunrise I see,
Will remind me,
What could have, would have, should have been.

Every sunset I feel,
Will comfort me,
Slowly bleaching my memory.

Every pair of birds,
That fly overhead,
Remind me that my heart is broken but love is not dead.

Every plane,
That enters my airspace,
Will leave a sad smile on my face.

Every bottle of red label,
That catches my eye,
Will remind me of why.

Every morning,
I awake alone,
Will strengthen me on my own.

Every evening,
I go to sleep,
Comforted only by memory.

Every moment,
I can think,
Will get easier and easier to resist.

Everyday that fades away,
Without your presence,
Will create more and more distance.

Why Do You Run?

Do you run,
So I can repeatedly chase you,.
Somehow prove my love to you?

Do you run,
From the guilt you carry,
Somehow believing you do not deserve me?

Do you run,
For fear of further pain,
Because you think I will not stay?

Do you run,
Because you do not want to be with me,.
Or are you making a mistake?

Do you run,
Because you can not handle the rejection,.
When all I needed was your affection?

Do you run,
Instead of facing your afflictions,
Somehow making me the bad person?

Do you run,
Because you will not put in the effort,.
For what you could have?

Do you run,
Because you truly can not see,.
A future and a solution for you and me?

Do you run,
Because you do not want to try,.
Letting me go is easier,
Than handling my pain and physical distance and rejection,.
it comes along with the scars of your affliction.

Do you run,
Because I can not,
If you ever run back in my direction,.
I'll be there without question ..

Mon Amour

I'm sorry for my lack of intimacy,.
My inability to soften when I'm hurting too often.

I'm sorry for my inability,.
To have seen your most hidden vulnerability.

I'm sorry for letting things get this way,.
I should have let you walk away on your birthday.

I'm sorry for believing in you,.
In your inner strength and maturity when all you did was walk away from me.

I'm sorry you did not realise,.
There is nothing but pain and deep love in my eyes.

I'm sorry that you've misunderstood,.
Somehow you've given up.

I'm sorry that you could not see,.
What you truly mean to me.

I'm sorry that you were hurt,.
The repercussions of your actions.

I'm sorry that you did not come to know,.
I would have carried you through any depression, problem or sorrow.

I'm sorry that it was not clear,.
I would have died for you my dear.

Mon amour I would do anything for you,.
If you actually wanted me to.

Missable

I'm going to miss that body,
Chiseled to my perfection.

I'm going to miss that smile,
Where your eyes light up and your cheeks curl.

I'm going to miss your smell,
That soft scent of power I know so well.

I'm going to miss your laugh,
That whole hearted, belly-filling chuckle.

I'm going to miss your warmth,
The safety in your arms.

I'm going to miss your company,
Always willing to be there for me.

I'm going to miss your touch,
A perfect balance of soft and rough.

I'm going to miss your vulnerability,
Lying in my arms, cuddled into me.

I'm going to miss your chivalry,
Opening doors, pulling out chairs and carrying things for me.

I'm going to miss things about you,
Until they slowly fade, from my memories tainted by pain.

I'm not going to miss your lack of integrity, your dishonesty or your cowardliness,
But I know you tried to love me the way you know best.

I'm going to miss you but right now, it's time to forget.

Mean

I'm mean?
When you're the one too drunk to drive?

I'm mean?
When I'm the only one at your side?

I'm mean?
When I'm finding remedies for your pain?

I'm mean?
When I'm the one who's considerate of your time?

I'm mean?
When you're the one who still doesn't know what they want?

I'm mean?
When I'm the one fighting for your happiness?

I'm mean?
When I call it like it is?

I'm mean?
When I'm the one spending hours talking through and working through your issues?

I'm mean?
When I'm the one who didnt get angry when you stood me up?

I'm mean?
When I'm the one giving you a third, fourth, fifth chance?

I'm mean?
Is that why you've always thought I wasn't good enough?

I'm mean?
Is that really what you think?

I'm mean?
Thanks for being self absorbed, immature and pathetic.

Rejection

It may not be intentional,
But it still hurts like hell.

It may not be conscious,
But it's a feeling I know well.

It may not be a verbal "no",
But your actions make it so.

It may not be a thought-out act,
But it's made me feel like I'm not good enough.

It may not be rejection at all,
But the fall is high when you're standing so tall.