KNOWING

I'm a grown woman,
A fully grown, fully developed woman,
I thought, I really thought that I knew my own body, surely...
Well, apparently, he knows it better than I do, or ever did.

I'm in my late 30s, how did it take me this long?
Why was I deprived of such pleasure all this time?
How naieve to think I had reached the pinnacle,
I wasn't even at base camp by these standards.

I thought I knew how, and what, I wanted to feel,
But my every expectation, my every desire has been obliterated,
I
Had
No
Idea
I could feel anything close to...

...what I feel with you.

You have shown me a world of magic,
A world of sublime, all-consuming mind altering bliss,
The utter mastery with which you play my strings leaves me breathless.

Words are so disappointly inadequate in describing something one can only know,
The balance of energies,
Complete loss of control,
Submitting as my most divine feminine and receiving the honor of your most sacred masculine.

The level of attention and mastery of submission and control and CARE and CONSENT and genuine attunement to...

...my every, single, breath.

It's in the level of respect,
In the honoring,
In the KNOWING,

In the selfless act of giving.

Knots of you

This is all new,

Sometimes I don't know what to do,

When you tell me you've got it covered,

And you actually do.

This is all too much,

The gifts, the generosity,

How can you spoil me so intensely?

Taking care of my every need financially.

This is all too good to be true,

When I bring up something that bothers me,

You don't diminish and dismiss me,

What's important to me is important to you.

This is all so scary,

To even be considering building another family,

I know you'll be kind and patient with me,

As you have been.

This is all so exciting,

Feeling like I am actually worth something,

Not having to beg or plead for you to meet my most basic needs,

You seem to really listen when I speak.

This journey is completely different,

To anything I have ever been through,

I am looking forward to walking it,

Beside you.

I know you will protect me and my son,

You already have,

I know you'll empower me and invest in me,

And never hold it over me.

I know you want to provide for me,

You also respect the fact that I earn my own money,

You just want to make sure that Jette and I want for nothing,

Finally there is somebody backing me!

Your patience with me in the first few months when I wasn't fully ready,

Your giving me space when I need,

Your understanding and capacity for empathy,

These are all the things that allow me to feel safe enough to be truly me.

Your taking the lead and taking the load off me,

I cannot tell you how much I value this immense act of masculinity,

It is one of the most attractive qualities you see,

A man who is strong enough to lead a woman like me.

You have a sacred power to which I must submit,

A completely safe dominance,

Adorned in honor and respect,

Allowing me to exquisitely transcend all physical reality. 

My Nawashi. 

It took you two years to finally regret...

You built a beautiful home,

You just didn't build it with me,

You bought a new bed,

To fuck her while you were still screwing me.

You set-up a new life,

Signed a lease for a year,

You had no intention of making this work,

I'm the fool here my dear.

I begged you to move back in,

Begged you to look at your trauma and toxicity,

You did none of that,

You simply used and discarded me.

You blamed me for everything,

Put it all entirely on me,

You said I was the cause of the conflict 

That's why you weren't moving back in with me.

The saying " If he wanted to, he would"

Has never rung truer for me,

You wanted to build your bachelor pad,

You had no intention of investing in me.

You have a lover now,

She knows you better than I do,

She's slept in your arms in a bed you bought for two,

A bed for her and you.

You've got everything you wanted,

The job, the house and soon another new car,

You built the life you wanted,

So why start regretting it now?

The Greatest of all Evils

 I spent 18 months waiting for you,

Waiting for you to choose me,

To choose us,

You were never going to.

 

Night after night,

The extreme torture if being discarded again and again,

Begging you to prioritize me,

You were never going to.

 

Hours and hours of therapy,

Couples coucellors and trauma specialists,

Desperate for you to see me,

You were never going to.

 

Throwing myself into you completely,

Rearranging my entire life for you,

Wanting commitment from you,

You were never going to.

 

You still don't seem to notice,

Like you've lost nothing, nothing at all,

If only you could see my worth,

You were never going to.

 

My soul has craved you in ways I cannot express just yet,

Nothing but the whore from which you so easily moved on,

I wanted you to love me the way I loved you,

You were never going to.

 

I sometimes fantasize,

That you'll finally realize,

But,

You are never going to. 

 

The Mother of Motherwounds

 Dear Ex MIL nearly,

Thank you for showing me the kind of mother I definitely don't want to be,

Manipulative and controlling using your love as a form of reward or punishment.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself actually,

You've used your son as your emotional support for years,

You have such an unhealthy attachment to him and it's quite frankly really weird.

 

He tried to become a man and build a family,

You made sure to make that near impossible for him to do,

Incestuously you said to him

"It feels like I'm loosing you"

 

How can you not see,

Your absolute cruelty,

Your huge responsibility,

Your toxic reliance on the boy who could have been a man for me.

 

You've enabled his bad behavior,

Feeding him booze for years,

Allowing him to drink and drive and puke up all his uncried tears.

 

You've threatened him,

Multiple times,

Dare he speak up,

Then he's not worthy in your eyes.

 

I loved him you know,

I would have given the world to him,

You've taken that from him,

You've taken that from Jette.

 

You wouldn't have it any other way,

Using your own son and destroying his little family,

Just so you can have him all to yourself, you'll cut him off at the knees, you disgusting human being.

 

You should be ashamed of the mother you have been and even more ashamed of the grandmother you've turned out to be, truly. 

 

Meet the Sacred Masculine

 Gorgeous he calls me,

I blush,

The way he looks at me though,

Says more than enough.

 

He has this presence,

It's hard to quantify it,

Confidence balanced with compassion,

Sacred masculine.

 

He doesn't just want me,

He wants everything that comes with me,

The most important part of me,

My baby boy, my everything.

 

He leads with ease,

Investigating everything about me,

Watching, learning, touching,

It's exciting.

 

He believes in me,

Wants to back me,

Wants to make sure I'm taken care of completely,

How long I've waited to hear the words "I've got you" said with integrity.

 

 

New Moon - New Madness

Complimentary?

Telling me that the woman you're seeing is needy and cannot please you sexually?

Really?

Sickening.

Flattery?

Telling me that you don't want your mother with you in Kruger and then inviting me?

Really?

Disgusting.

Comparatively,

Marie just get's you, unlike me,

Really?

If only she really knew you.

Boastfully,

Sending me pics and videos of you with someone new,

Really?

Having so much fun were you?

Informatively,

Notifying me you're drunk and driving to Janine,

Really?

The woman you were screwing before me?

Psychopathically,

Saying "I can see why your mother committed suicide",

Really?

That low, that deep?

Narcissistically,

Insinuating that I lied about what your mother said to me?

Really, like really?

She's the monster not me.

Abusively,

Justifying, Defending, Denying and Blaming,

INSANITY,

It drove me to literal INSANITY!

Insanity,

Unable to distinguish fantasy from reality,

I'm imagining things apparently?

I very nearly believed you.

It doesn't matter, 

What I say or do,

Or how I say it to you,

I will never get through to you.

Realistically,

What else could I do?

You left me absolutely no choice,

Giving up on a family was much harder than just giving up on you!

Nothing is lost

 I should have known better,

When I couldn't even write,

When I couldn't put pen to paper,

I should have known better.

I've been writing for years,

Pouring my heart out on paper,

Putting it out there,

In the hopes that it will comfort another.

I can't quite exactly remember,

It wasn't like there was a precise moment,

I don't think it was even a decision,

But somehow I forgot myself.

Slowly but surely I lost touch,

With everything that made me, me,

I had just given birth,

Trapped in a body that was foreign to, "me".

Then the madness crept in,

It oozed into every possible crack,

It lodged itself between you and me,

Every possible trauma now an irrefutable undeniable reality.

I would never wish my experience on anybody, birthing a baby in the most terrifying and uncertain of realities,

Unsupported after birth and denied community,

With a man who couldn't, wouldn't and didn't protect or provide for me.

The aftermath has been utter devestation,

Barely surviving one another,

We tore each other apart,

Neither, more or less unscathed than the other.

I've picked up the shattered pieces,

I'm rebuilding now,

I'm not repairing, 

I'm redesigning, restructuring.

This bitter sweet reality,

I had to allow you to completely destroy me,

So I could rebuild,

Rebirthing the woman I've always meant to be. 

Detach, Don't look back

Say what you want about me,

Laugh when your friends call me "easy",

Demonise me,

It really doesn't matter to me.

Be the victim,

Blame me entirely,

I'll take it, I'll own it even,

Because those that know me, know me.

Call me crazy,

Deny my reality entirely,

Tell me I'm imagining things,

Better yet tell me I'm the reason you left me for dead.

Keep acting out,

Your cycle is so predictable,

Maybe you haven't realised it yet,

But I'm never coming back.

Your mother made it clear,

I was the sole source of your unhappiness,

I wasn't good enough to marry,

So go one then, go be happy.

You laughed at me when I needed you most,  

You blamed me for your inability to care for me, you mocked me at every opportunity,

Your insideous remarks a hallmark of your family.

You called our unborn son a bastard and repeatedly called me big during pregnancy, you took advantage of my healing body when what I needed was safety, you created a space of fear and instability for the new mother that was me.

You sabotaged and played the game, proposing in such a shameful way,

It was the solution to your predicament knowing your family didn't want me but I wanted to be married, so you planned it perfectly.

Your mother's reaction to our engagement and her saying to you "it feels like I'm loosing you" and what did you do? You chose to make your mother's dreams come true and now look, she's got a new husband in you, congratulations you two, I'm happy for you.

You continue to spiral and cycle,

From "deeply caring about me" to calling me a "toxic horrible pathetic excuse of a person" it would really just be easier if you made your mind up about me, like move on now, you're rid of me.

It's absolutely fascinating to me just how blind you seem to be, you literally refuse to even consider the possibility that you have traumas and demons that are actually really unhealthy.

Thank you for everything you put me through, I got to see a side of myself I never knew, I got to face my demons and heal my traumas and grow immensely and for that I am truly thankful to you, my home, my life, my being wouldn't be as peaceful as it is today if it wasn't for you.

P.I.T.Y

It is a pity,

That you cannot see,

How desperate you are, that you'll do anything for attention from me.

It is a pity,

That you and your mother treated me so badly,

How sad that she loves you so madly?

It is a pity,

That you continue to look for attention from me,

When I have moved on happily.

It is a pity,

That you think you can financially abuse me,

Do you even know me?

It is a pity. No actually. It's disgusting!

That you'll emotionally abuse your son to get to me,

A level of selfish narcissism that's beyond me.

It is a pity,

That you're so depressed and confused,

When you have every resource available to you.

It is a pity,

That you did nothing but blame me,

Unable to even spell accountability.

It is a pity,

That you don't have any close friends at all,

That meaningful connection is something you want and need but are not capable of.

It is a pity,

That you'll message me at 6am the weekend I am away with a lover,

Did you think you could ruin my day while I'm lying in his arms this way?

It is a pity,

That you're the self labelled victim in this all,

Yet when the parenting plan changed you did nothing at all.

It is a pity,

That you have never committed to therapy,

If anyone needs help it's definitely not me. 

It is a pity,

That you loathe yourself the way you do,

Creating false realities just to get you through.

It is a pity,

That your ex had to go through four abortions' all because of you,

Let me guess you're the victim here too?

It is a pity,

That you cannot see,

How extremely selfish and toxic you have been.

It is a pity,

That our son doesn't have a nuclear family,

But it's definitely better than him growing up watching his daddy emotionally invalidate, gas light and abuse mommy.

Lest you need me

Lest you do forget,

The ways he hurt you,

And tore you apart,

The madness of it all.

Lest you do soften,

Let me just remind you,

He literally,

Cannot love you.

Lest you do find fondness,

Let me help guide you,

He left you for dead,

Knowing exactly the fear you felt!

Lest you do consider friendship,

Pick up the phone,

Make four specific calls,

Those professionals can't all be wrong.

Lest you do start to feel,

Anything other than nothing,

Let me give you the strength,

To seek out other comforts.

Lest you start to believe again, 

That you aren't worthy or deserving of more,

Remember the stack of irrefutable evidence,

That he simply isn't capable of loving you the way you deserve.

Lest you need me to remind you,

You deserve more!

Nothing but Gratitude

There is nothing left to say,

Nothing left to do,

A feeling of nothing,

Even when I do think of you.

There is no closure needed,

No final conversation necessary,

My silence is intentionally deafening,

Potentially because you were never really listening.

I'm not angry,

Not hurting,

Not self loathing,

I'm living.

There is nothing that could change my mind,

Nothing you could say or do to make me feel anything for you,

I am instead really grateful for the experience I had with you,

You were the fire that could have destroyed me, but you forged me instead.

I could have been stuck in my trauma forever,

I may have never realised my full potential if it wasn't for you,

I may never have become the mother I am now if you hadn't pushed me to my edge,

Learning to love myself despite you means I can be a safe space for my son. 

You were the greatest things to happen to me,

And so I feel nothing,

Nothing for you,

Nothing, but gratitude.

Thank you for teaching me,

As painful as it was,

I am now ready for the love I deserve,

Ready for the greatest love of all.

I think I finally see, 

You were nothing more than a stepping stone in my journey,

So I could heal the unhealed parts of me,

So he could love me wholly.

Cognitive Dissonance

You are not my friend,

Not my lover,

Not my family,

Not any body.

You are not my safe space,

Not my provider,

Not my perpetrator,

Not my victim either.

You are not someone I know,

Not someone I trust,

Not someone I care about much,

Not someone whose existence has any meaningful impact.

You are not my obsession,

Not even a part time hobby,

Not someone I particularly like,

Not someone I particularly hate either.

You are not my future,

Not my priority,

Not particularly note worthy,

Not someone I even speak of.

You are not the yang to my yin,

Not capable of holding yourself accountable,

Not capable of really and truly loving another,

Not even a curious about meeting my inner most desires.

You are not capable of the strength it takes to hold my weakness,

Not confident enough to take control and take the lead,

Not capable of fully committing to anyone or anything,

And I got tired of waiting.

You can be anybody you want to be,

You can live your lone wolf freedom,

You can do what-ever you please, 

With anyone, Anyone but me.