I should have known better,
When I couldn't even write,
When I couldn't put pen to paper,
I should have known better.
I've been writing for years,
Pouring my heart out on paper,
Putting it out there,
In the hopes that it will comfort another.
I can't quite exactly remember,
It wasn't like there was a precise moment,
I don't think it was even a decision,
But somehow I forgot myself.
Slowly but surely I lost touch,
With everything that made me, me,
I had just given birth,
Trapped in a body that was foreign to, "me".
Then the madness crept in,
It oozed into every possible crack,
It lodged itself between you and me,
Every possible trauma now an irrefutable undeniable reality.
I would never wish my experience on anybody, birthing a baby in the most terrifying and uncertain of realities,
Unsupported after birth and denied community,
With a man who couldn't, wouldn't and didn't protect or provide for me.
The aftermath has been utter devestation,
Barely surviving one another,
We tore each other apart,
Neither, more or less unscathed than the other.
I've picked up the shattered pieces,
I'm rebuilding now,
I'm not repairing,
I'm redesigning, restructuring.
This bitter sweet reality,
I had to allow you to completely destroy me,
So I could rebuild,
Rebirthing the woman I've always meant to be.
