Believe Me

Surety,
How is he so sure of me,
So sure of an us,
Surely he can't be that sure of a forevermore?

How is he so sure,
That I can be everything he wants and more,
Despite the space, the time, the "other" man,
How does he look at me with such infinite possibility?

How does he have such confidence,
In himself,
In me,
In all that we could and can be?

How does he still look at me,
Lustfully,
Respectfully,
Without hesitation or second guessing?

How does he still make me feel magical?
It's been so many months, many months too long,
Since I've felt a gaze so unquestionably devouring,
I want him to devour me once more.

How can it be,
That this man still wants me,
Wants all of me,
Even my insecurities?

Disciplined is an understatement,
Working for what you want,
Doesn't even begin to describe it,
This man is more than dedicated.

Maybe I can believe I'm worth it,
Maybe I can convince myself I deserve all this and more,
Maybe It's been my flaw all along,
Settling for less because I couldn't believe,
That I deserved more.

Loving Abuse

A twisted version of love,
Mistrusting of all that I do,
Sabotaging our growth, our happiness,
Feeling unworthy despite my loving you.

A warped sense of connection,
Keeping just enough distance,
Getting close but not close enough,
Hiding all of you, all that you deem unworthy.

Struggling with intimacy,
Unable to just let go and be with me,
Unwilling to embrace the ecstasy,
Always controlling, always dominating.

Affection used against me,
Withheld and rationed,
If I'm a good girl maybe he'll touch me,
Destroying any confidence I had in me.

No clear concept of right and wrong,
How could you know the difference,
Unable to recognise my kindness, patience and understanding,
Unable to see the truth in all this misery. 

Acceptance of all of you,
That's what I offered you,
Loving all of you,
Despite the cruelty you put me through.

I accept you as you are,
I have been patient from the start,
I have loved your abused heart,
But I cannot tolerate it when you pull me apart.

I understand your inabilities,
I empathise with your difficulties,
I held you closer even when you hurt me,
This must be why you're abusing me.

The people who were supposed to love you,
Didn't have the ability to,
That does not mean there is anything wrong with you,
There is a possibility that you've misunderstood me,
Our vastly different definitions of love have led to this tragedy,
I only hope that one day, you'll wake up and see,
That I loved you despite of me.

References:

https://www.patrickwanis.com/12-ways-emotionally-abused-people-love-differently/

https://thoughtcatalog.com/sarah-r-hughes/2016/10/this-is-how-you-love-someone-whos-been-abused/

https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/a-theory-on-the-role-of-love-in-abuse-fiff/

https://www.bustle.com/p/7-signs-your-partner-was-emotionally-abused-by-their-ex-11862190

The road to becoming "Whole-Hearted"

Where did we go so wrong,
We started out the gates,
Predicted as winners,
So incredibly strong.

When did we decide,
To let our insecurities,
Our self proclaimed faults,
Dictate our direction.

When did it all start,
This cycle of feeling less than,
This cycle of self doubt,
This destruction of all the beauty we had created.

I can't seem to pin point where it all went wrong,
I can't seem to fully understand it all,
One minute we were walking into a future together,
The next minute you were walking out leaving me in a pool of self doubt.

I can't fathom how we ended up here,
One minute your comforting my fears, defending my insecurities,
The next minute your telling me that not even my own brother likes me,
What a complete mindfucking dichotomy.

I may drive myself completely insane,
Trying to understand how I am completely to blame,
I may revert back again to a place of self doubt,
Trying, struggling to work this all out.

I may not understand this now,
I may not be able to work it all out,
I am not perfect, that's for sure,
But I'd never stoop as low as to attack you at your very core.

Not ever will I be that cruel,
I loved you more than that,
I loved you more than that,
I loved you more than that.

A Prayer for My Sense of Self

Let me be,
Opened,
Splayed,
Vulnerable.

Let me be,
Ignited,
Inflamed,
Engulfed.

Let me be,
Unashamed,
Unburdened,
Without fear.

Let me be,
Authentic,
Genuine,
Shameless.

Let me be,
Empathetic,
Patient,
Understanding.

Let me be,
Cemented,
Grounded,
Definite,

In my sense of me.

Research Onion

Birthed in the inferno,
Of my mothers own personal hell,
This might just be why,
I don't handle the "cool" very well.

Raised in the confusion,
Of my mothers dichotomous existence,
This might just be why,
I'm unsettled by the stability of self mastery.

Educated in the arts,
Of my mothers survivalist philosophies,
This might just be why,
I don't easily ask for help.

Graduating from a lifetime,
Of studying her criticisms,
This might just be why,
I mastered in self loathing scriptures.

Having begun my next academic course,
Dissecting profound loss and grief,
This might just be why,
I'm learning to see the possibilities of vulnerabilities.

Being on this next lifetime course of self discovery,
A course in which, she will not, cannot lecture me,
This might just be why,
I'm reliably and responsibly researching the reasons that make me enough.

Maybe I am enough.

History

"Daddy loves me,
This I know,
For my mommy tells me so..."

She tried to tell me everyday,
Even when he was far away,
She tried to make me believe,
That Daddy loved me,
Despite it all,
Despite his faults and weaknesses.

She tried to convince me that he cared,
Made excuses for him,
Saying he was simply just scarred,
Scarred because I reminded him of her,
Reminded him of all he'd lost,
Reminded him of nothing but pain,
How do I even begin to explain.

She lied to me like this for years,
Telling me he loved me despite his childish fears,
Always defending his inabilities,
Until she could no longer hide the truth from me.

Mommy lied for him so many times,
But I could see the fury and disappointment in her eyes,
Each and every time he'd failed,
To be the Dad he should have been,
She kept this anger, this fury in,
Until one day it all came out,
The day she put that gun in his mouth.

She should have shot him there and then,
How different the story may have been,
He should have realised that day,
That is was time to be a better Dad,
He didn't then and he doesn't now,
Drinking away his sorrow,
It's rather sad you see,
A man who was a Dad to me,
Has become nothing but a history.