Even the bird,
In all its freedom,
In all its inherent wisdom,
Must face adversity.
Even the bird,
Is challenged,
By night by day,
To survive.
Even the bird,
Whom we envy for its agility,
Whom we watch with awe and astonishment,
Is bound by the inevitable laws of nature.
Even the bird,
Whom we study and document,
Whose song we so enjoy,
Must find shelter to weather the storms.
Even the bird,
Whom we observe with such wonderment,
Whom we look upon with such reverence,
Must face the changing seasons.
Even the bird,
The most nimble of creatures,
As swift and as skillful as it may be,
Must face the monsoon.
Even the bird,
The most capable little builder,
As masterly and as proficient as it may be,
Has to rebuild its nest repeatedly.
Even the bird,
The most marvelous of beings,
The most unpretentious of creatures,
Has to bare the heavy burdens of life.
How single-minded of me,
To think I was the only creature facing such catastrophes.
Friday, 27 September 2019
Saturday, 20 July 2019
Unhealthy Familiarity
I let you,
Make me feel,
Inadequate.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Dirty.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Unworthy.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was the problem.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I had to hide my emotions.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was irrational.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Undesirable.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Manipulative.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Responsible for your mindset, your happiness.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was devious.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was just a little bitch.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Familiar feelings.
I let you,
Make me feel,
The way my father made me feel.
I let you,
Love me,
The way He did.
I let you,
Show me,
That this no longer serves me.
I let you,
Hurt me,
So I could finally see,
This unhealthy familiarity.
Make me feel,
Inadequate.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Dirty.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Unworthy.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was the problem.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I had to hide my emotions.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was irrational.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Undesirable.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Manipulative.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Responsible for your mindset, your happiness.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was devious.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Like I was just a little bitch.
I let you,
Make me feel,
Familiar feelings.
I let you,
Make me feel,
The way my father made me feel.
I let you,
Love me,
The way He did.
I let you,
Show me,
That this no longer serves me.
I let you,
Hurt me,
So I could finally see,
This unhealthy familiarity.
Saturday, 29 June 2019
Just Too Much
I think I understand now,
Why I was just "too much",
Why you deemed me "too much",
It wasn't that I was "too much",
But rather that you were not capable enough.
I feel sorry for you,
Trapped in that shallow existence,
Unable to communicate or process,
A drought of meaningful consciousness and awareness,
A standard that society has created.
Do you,
As the river,
Fueled by the storm,
Reach the ocean and exclaim:
This is "too much"?
Do you,
As a father,
Fueled by fear,
Teach your daughter,
That she is "too much"?
Do you,
As the lover,
Fueled by insecurity,
Make your other,
Feel like she's just "too much"?
Do you,
Expect the ocean to shrink back,
To somehow reduce itself,
So that you do not feel so small,
So that you do not have to mix with the waves of emotions she brings?
You have carved your gorges,
Rolled your stones,
Traveled miles and miles,
Without ever having been aware,
That there is an ocean of self awareness out there.
One day you'll have to confront it,
Give into it,
Don't resist the ocean of emotion,
Everyone knows that you can't fight a rip current,
And if you try you might just drown in it.
I am an ocean of emotion,
An ocean of consciousness,
Of self awareness,
Of mindfulness,
I cannot shrink back to accommodate your weaknesses.
You,
The river,
Will reach the ocean,
And when you do,
It will embrace you, unbalance you, engulf you,
Until you realise that you are an ocean too.
Why I was just "too much",
Why you deemed me "too much",
It wasn't that I was "too much",
But rather that you were not capable enough.
I feel sorry for you,
Trapped in that shallow existence,
Unable to communicate or process,
A drought of meaningful consciousness and awareness,
A standard that society has created.
Do you,
As the river,
Fueled by the storm,
Reach the ocean and exclaim:
This is "too much"?
Do you,
As a father,
Fueled by fear,
Teach your daughter,
That she is "too much"?
Do you,
As the lover,
Fueled by insecurity,
Make your other,
Feel like she's just "too much"?
Do you,
Expect the ocean to shrink back,
To somehow reduce itself,
So that you do not feel so small,
So that you do not have to mix with the waves of emotions she brings?
You have carved your gorges,
Rolled your stones,
Traveled miles and miles,
Without ever having been aware,
That there is an ocean of self awareness out there.
One day you'll have to confront it,
Give into it,
Don't resist the ocean of emotion,
Everyone knows that you can't fight a rip current,
And if you try you might just drown in it.
I am an ocean of emotion,
An ocean of consciousness,
Of self awareness,
Of mindfulness,
I cannot shrink back to accommodate your weaknesses.
You,
The river,
Will reach the ocean,
And when you do,
It will embrace you, unbalance you, engulf you,
Until you realise that you are an ocean too.
Tuesday, 28 May 2019
A Fire Inside
Angry,
I shouldn't be,
So I pent it all up,
Till it spilled out of me.
Rage,
Why am I raging?
There must be a specific reason,
An outside catalyst pushing me.
Rage,
Turns to regret,
When I realise what I said and did,
What is this overwhelming blinding insanity?
Insanity,
Maybe there is something wrong with me?
Maybe my anger just gets the better of me?
Maybe it's him, her, them, making me angry?
Crazy,
Overthinking every possibility,
Criticising myself constantly,
Finally settling on blaming someone other than me.
Me,
Is it really me?
I can't possibly be responsible for being this angry?
It must be because they didn't listen to me.
Anger,
A way to survive,
A tool we picked up when we were very young,
It protected us through all the years we needed to be strong.
Strength,
To master self,
To acknowledge anger,
To take responsibility.
Responsibility,
For all your actions,
For all your emotions,
For all you are and want to be.
Truth,
Requires vulnerable honesty,
This anger inside me,
Maybe I'm expressing it destructively?
Destruction,
Demolishing everything,
In the wreckage I may discover,
That my anger is what destroyed me and my lover.
A fire inside,
It constantly reminds me,
That my anger is my responsibility,
That I am entirely responsible for me.
I shouldn't be,
So I pent it all up,
Till it spilled out of me.
Rage,
Why am I raging?
There must be a specific reason,
An outside catalyst pushing me.
Rage,
Turns to regret,
When I realise what I said and did,
What is this overwhelming blinding insanity?
Insanity,
Maybe there is something wrong with me?
Maybe my anger just gets the better of me?
Maybe it's him, her, them, making me angry?
Crazy,
Overthinking every possibility,
Criticising myself constantly,
Finally settling on blaming someone other than me.
Me,
Is it really me?
I can't possibly be responsible for being this angry?
It must be because they didn't listen to me.
Anger,
A way to survive,
A tool we picked up when we were very young,
It protected us through all the years we needed to be strong.
Strength,
To master self,
To acknowledge anger,
To take responsibility.
Responsibility,
For all your actions,
For all your emotions,
For all you are and want to be.
Truth,
Requires vulnerable honesty,
This anger inside me,
Maybe I'm expressing it destructively?
Destruction,
Demolishing everything,
In the wreckage I may discover,
That my anger is what destroyed me and my lover.
A fire inside,
It constantly reminds me,
That my anger is my responsibility,
That I am entirely responsible for me.
Wednesday, 15 May 2019
It stings because it's healing
When he touches me,
It's not just my body he touches,
It's not just with his hands that he feels out the delicate parts of me,
It's with his heart,
His soul,
His entire being.
It's in the way he listens,
In the way he speaks,
Honesty embellished by courage,
It's Shameless,
It's Beautiful.
It's in the way he endeavors to understand me,
Not just my words,
But my feelings too,
He validates them,
Instead of making me feel a fool.
It's in the way he laughs at me,
It's the furthest thing from cruel,
He makes the darkness seem lighter,
With every delicious chuckle that spills from his lips.
It's in the way he holds space for me,
A space to be unapologetically me,
Without judgement or fear,
He simply holds my broken pieces to the light,
Understanding that this is not a fight.
It's in the way he loves me,
Without fear,
Without cruelty and blame,
His love stings the shattered parts of me,
As disinfectant would a wound,
He's cleaning out all the infected parts of me,
Parts that were infected by you.
It's not just my body he touches,
It's not just with his hands that he feels out the delicate parts of me,
It's with his heart,
His soul,
His entire being.
It's in the way he listens,
In the way he speaks,
Honesty embellished by courage,
It's Shameless,
It's Beautiful.
It's in the way he endeavors to understand me,
Not just my words,
But my feelings too,
He validates them,
Instead of making me feel a fool.
It's in the way he laughs at me,
It's the furthest thing from cruel,
He makes the darkness seem lighter,
With every delicious chuckle that spills from his lips.
It's in the way he holds space for me,
A space to be unapologetically me,
Without judgement or fear,
He simply holds my broken pieces to the light,
Understanding that this is not a fight.
It's in the way he loves me,
Without fear,
Without cruelty and blame,
His love stings the shattered parts of me,
As disinfectant would a wound,
He's cleaning out all the infected parts of me,
Parts that were infected by you.
Friday, 10 May 2019
Learning to Love - A Case Study
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Based on how pretty you are,
Or aren't.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Conditional and impermanent,
Leaving him.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Working yourself to the bone,
Providing for our family at any cost.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Harsh words and criticism,
She called it "being realistic".
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Male attention,
Male affection without teaching me the consequences.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Furious,
Ferocious, jealous even but always protective.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Projecting your anger onto others,
Shouting, screaming and blaming.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Loyalty,
Nothing in this world comes for free.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Leather on skin,
Corporal punishment it was back then.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Humiliation,
Hosed down like an animal.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Not freely given,
It's earned or nothing.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Exclusion,
Punishment and rejection.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Cruel and cowardly,
Never taking any responsibility.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Anger and aggression,
Attack and retaliate.
My parents taught me that love,
Love is,
A life long lesson,
They were just the introductory chapter, the beginning.
My first love taught me that love is,
Love is,
Based on the condition of "putting out",
I didn't want to so he got it somewhere else.
My first lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Letting someone else lead,
Love is giving-in without full control or understanding.
My next lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Fighting for what you want,
With him always wanting someone else.
My next few lovers taught me that love,
Love is,
Letting them do what ever they want to me,
Humiliating and degrading and disrespecting me.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Kindness, Patience and Empathy,
Love could be gentle and not at all critical or conditional.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Finding myself,
Loving myself so I could start loving whole-heartedly.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Respect,
To never blame or project.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Always changing, always evolving,
Truly ever-lasting.
My rapist taught me that love,
Love is,
Easily mistaken,
For abuse and anger and cruel criticisms, referencing my introductory lessons.
My younger lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Possible without pain,
That I could be physically intimate again without fear or shame.
My narcissistic lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Finally deciding to walk away,
Leaving someone barefoot in the jungle so you can learn to love yourself again before it's too late.
My abused lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Abusive, angry and humiliatingly cruel,
Repeat introduction and chapter one and chapter two, this is a great study case for you.
Love is,
Based on how pretty you are,
Or aren't.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Conditional and impermanent,
Leaving him.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Working yourself to the bone,
Providing for our family at any cost.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Harsh words and criticism,
She called it "being realistic".
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Male attention,
Male affection without teaching me the consequences.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Furious,
Ferocious, jealous even but always protective.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Projecting your anger onto others,
Shouting, screaming and blaming.
My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Loyalty,
Nothing in this world comes for free.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Leather on skin,
Corporal punishment it was back then.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Humiliation,
Hosed down like an animal.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Not freely given,
It's earned or nothing.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Exclusion,
Punishment and rejection.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Cruel and cowardly,
Never taking any responsibility.
My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Anger and aggression,
Attack and retaliate.
My parents taught me that love,
Love is,
A life long lesson,
They were just the introductory chapter, the beginning.
My first love taught me that love is,
Love is,
Based on the condition of "putting out",
I didn't want to so he got it somewhere else.
My first lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Letting someone else lead,
Love is giving-in without full control or understanding.
My next lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Fighting for what you want,
With him always wanting someone else.
My next few lovers taught me that love,
Love is,
Letting them do what ever they want to me,
Humiliating and degrading and disrespecting me.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Kindness, Patience and Empathy,
Love could be gentle and not at all critical or conditional.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Finding myself,
Loving myself so I could start loving whole-heartedly.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Respect,
To never blame or project.
My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Always changing, always evolving,
Truly ever-lasting.
My rapist taught me that love,
Love is,
Easily mistaken,
For abuse and anger and cruel criticisms, referencing my introductory lessons.
My younger lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Possible without pain,
That I could be physically intimate again without fear or shame.
My narcissistic lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Finally deciding to walk away,
Leaving someone barefoot in the jungle so you can learn to love yourself again before it's too late.
My abused lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Abusive, angry and humiliatingly cruel,
Repeat introduction and chapter one and chapter two, this is a great study case for you.
Tuesday, 30 April 2019
Believe Me
Surety,
How is he so sure of me,
So sure of an us,
Surely he can't be that sure of a forevermore?
How is he so sure,
That I can be everything he wants and more,
Despite the space, the time, the "other" man,
How does he look at me with such infinite possibility?
How does he have such confidence,
In himself,
In me,
In all that we could and can be?
How does he still look at me,
Lustfully,
Respectfully,
Without hesitation or second guessing?
How does he still make me feel magical?
It's been so many months, many months too long,
Since I've felt a gaze so unquestionably devouring,
I want him to devour me once more.
How can it be,
That this man still wants me,
Wants all of me,
Even my insecurities?
Disciplined is an understatement,
Working for what you want,
Doesn't even begin to describe it,
This man is more than dedicated.
Maybe I can believe I'm worth it,
Maybe I can convince myself I deserve all this and more,
Maybe It's been my flaw all along,
Settling for less because I couldn't believe,
That I deserved more.
How is he so sure of me,
So sure of an us,
Surely he can't be that sure of a forevermore?
How is he so sure,
That I can be everything he wants and more,
Despite the space, the time, the "other" man,
How does he look at me with such infinite possibility?
How does he have such confidence,
In himself,
In me,
In all that we could and can be?
How does he still look at me,
Lustfully,
Respectfully,
Without hesitation or second guessing?
How does he still make me feel magical?
It's been so many months, many months too long,
Since I've felt a gaze so unquestionably devouring,
I want him to devour me once more.
How can it be,
That this man still wants me,
Wants all of me,
Even my insecurities?
Disciplined is an understatement,
Working for what you want,
Doesn't even begin to describe it,
This man is more than dedicated.
Maybe I can believe I'm worth it,
Maybe I can convince myself I deserve all this and more,
Maybe It's been my flaw all along,
Settling for less because I couldn't believe,
That I deserved more.
Loving Abuse
A twisted version of love,
Mistrusting of all that I do,
Sabotaging our growth, our happiness,
Feeling unworthy despite my loving you.
A warped sense of connection,
Keeping just enough distance,
Getting close but not close enough,
Hiding all of you, all that you deem unworthy.
Struggling with intimacy,
Unable to just let go and be with me,
Unwilling to embrace the ecstasy,
Always controlling, always dominating.
Affection used against me,
Withheld and rationed,
If I'm a good girl maybe he'll touch me,
Destroying any confidence I had in me.
No clear concept of right and wrong,
How could you know the difference,
Unable to recognise my kindness, patience and understanding,
Unable to see the truth in all this misery.
Acceptance of all of you,
That's what I offered you,
Loving all of you,
Despite the cruelty you put me through.
I accept you as you are,
I have been patient from the start,
I have loved your abused heart,
But I cannot tolerate it when you pull me apart.
I understand your inabilities,
I empathise with your difficulties,
I held you closer even when you hurt me,
This must be why you're abusing me.
The people who were supposed to love you,
Didn't have the ability to,
That does not mean there is anything wrong with you,
There is a possibility that you've misunderstood me,
Our vastly different definitions of love have led to this tragedy,
I only hope that one day, you'll wake up and see,
That I loved you despite of me.
References:
https://www.patrickwanis.com/12-ways-emotionally-abused-people-love-differently/
https://thoughtcatalog.com/sarah-r-hughes/2016/10/this-is-how-you-love-someone-whos-been-abused/
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/a-theory-on-the-role-of-love-in-abuse-fiff/
https://www.bustle.com/p/7-signs-your-partner-was-emotionally-abused-by-their-ex-11862190
Mistrusting of all that I do,
Sabotaging our growth, our happiness,
Feeling unworthy despite my loving you.
A warped sense of connection,
Keeping just enough distance,
Getting close but not close enough,
Hiding all of you, all that you deem unworthy.
Struggling with intimacy,
Unable to just let go and be with me,
Unwilling to embrace the ecstasy,
Always controlling, always dominating.
Affection used against me,
Withheld and rationed,
If I'm a good girl maybe he'll touch me,
Destroying any confidence I had in me.
No clear concept of right and wrong,
How could you know the difference,
Unable to recognise my kindness, patience and understanding,
Unable to see the truth in all this misery.
Acceptance of all of you,
That's what I offered you,
Loving all of you,
Despite the cruelty you put me through.
I accept you as you are,
I have been patient from the start,
I have loved your abused heart,
But I cannot tolerate it when you pull me apart.
I understand your inabilities,
I empathise with your difficulties,
I held you closer even when you hurt me,
This must be why you're abusing me.
The people who were supposed to love you,
Didn't have the ability to,
That does not mean there is anything wrong with you,
There is a possibility that you've misunderstood me,
Our vastly different definitions of love have led to this tragedy,
I only hope that one day, you'll wake up and see,
That I loved you despite of me.
References:
https://www.patrickwanis.com/12-ways-emotionally-abused-people-love-differently/
https://thoughtcatalog.com/sarah-r-hughes/2016/10/this-is-how-you-love-someone-whos-been-abused/
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/a-theory-on-the-role-of-love-in-abuse-fiff/
https://www.bustle.com/p/7-signs-your-partner-was-emotionally-abused-by-their-ex-11862190
Monday, 29 April 2019
The road to becoming "Whole-Hearted"
Where did we go so wrong,
We started out the gates,
Predicted as winners,
So incredibly strong.
When did we decide,
To let our insecurities,
Our self proclaimed faults,
Dictate our direction.
When did it all start,
This cycle of feeling less than,
This cycle of self doubt,
This destruction of all the beauty we had created.
I can't seem to pin point where it all went wrong,
I can't seem to fully understand it all,
One minute we were walking into a future together,
The next minute you were walking out leaving me in a pool of self doubt.
I can't fathom how we ended up here,
One minute your comforting my fears, defending my insecurities,
The next minute your telling me that not even my own brother likes me,
What a complete mindfucking dichotomy.
I may drive myself completely insane,
Trying to understand how I am completely to blame,
I may revert back again to a place of self doubt,
Trying, struggling to work this all out.
I may not understand this now,
I may not be able to work it all out,
I am not perfect, that's for sure,
But I'd never stoop as low as to attack you at your very core.
Not ever will I be that cruel,
I loved you more than that,
I loved you more than that,
I loved you more than that.
We started out the gates,
Predicted as winners,
So incredibly strong.
When did we decide,
To let our insecurities,
Our self proclaimed faults,
Dictate our direction.
When did it all start,
This cycle of feeling less than,
This cycle of self doubt,
This destruction of all the beauty we had created.
I can't seem to pin point where it all went wrong,
I can't seem to fully understand it all,
One minute we were walking into a future together,
The next minute you were walking out leaving me in a pool of self doubt.
I can't fathom how we ended up here,
One minute your comforting my fears, defending my insecurities,
The next minute your telling me that not even my own brother likes me,
What a complete mindfucking dichotomy.
I may drive myself completely insane,
Trying to understand how I am completely to blame,
I may revert back again to a place of self doubt,
Trying, struggling to work this all out.
I may not understand this now,
I may not be able to work it all out,
I am not perfect, that's for sure,
But I'd never stoop as low as to attack you at your very core.
Not ever will I be that cruel,
I loved you more than that,
I loved you more than that,
I loved you more than that.
Wednesday, 24 April 2019
A Prayer for My Sense of Self
Let me be,
Opened,
Splayed,
Vulnerable.
Let me be,
Ignited,
Inflamed,
Engulfed.
Let me be,
Unashamed,
Unburdened,
Without fear.
Let me be,
Authentic,
Genuine,
Shameless.
Let me be,
Empathetic,
Patient,
Understanding.
Let me be,
Cemented,
Grounded,
Definite,
In my sense of me.
Opened,
Splayed,
Vulnerable.
Let me be,
Ignited,
Inflamed,
Engulfed.
Let me be,
Unashamed,
Unburdened,
Without fear.
Let me be,
Authentic,
Genuine,
Shameless.
Let me be,
Empathetic,
Patient,
Understanding.
Let me be,
Cemented,
Grounded,
Definite,
In my sense of me.
Tuesday, 23 April 2019
Research Onion
Birthed in the inferno,
Of my mothers own personal hell,
This might just be why,
I don't handle the "cool" very well.
Raised in the confusion,
Of my mothers dichotomous existence,
This might just be why,
I'm unsettled by the stability of self mastery.
Educated in the arts,
Of my mothers survivalist philosophies,
This might just be why,
I don't easily ask for help.
Graduating from a lifetime,
Of studying her criticisms,
This might just be why,
I mastered in self loathing scriptures.
Having begun my next academic course,
Dissecting profound loss and grief,
This might just be why,
I'm learning to see the possibilities of vulnerabilities.
Being on this next lifetime course of self discovery,
A course in which, she will not, cannot lecture me,
This might just be why,
I'm reliably and responsibly researching the reasons that make me enough.
Maybe I am enough.
Of my mothers own personal hell,
This might just be why,
I don't handle the "cool" very well.
Raised in the confusion,
Of my mothers dichotomous existence,
This might just be why,
I'm unsettled by the stability of self mastery.
Educated in the arts,
Of my mothers survivalist philosophies,
This might just be why,
I don't easily ask for help.
Graduating from a lifetime,
Of studying her criticisms,
This might just be why,
I mastered in self loathing scriptures.
Having begun my next academic course,
Dissecting profound loss and grief,
This might just be why,
I'm learning to see the possibilities of vulnerabilities.
Being on this next lifetime course of self discovery,
A course in which, she will not, cannot lecture me,
This might just be why,
I'm reliably and responsibly researching the reasons that make me enough.
Maybe I am enough.
Wednesday, 3 April 2019
History
"Daddy loves me,
This I know,
For my mommy tells me so..."
She tried to tell me everyday,
Even when he was far away,
She tried to make me believe,
That Daddy loved me,
Despite it all,
Despite his faults and weaknesses.
She tried to convince me that he cared,
Made excuses for him,
Saying he was simply just scarred,
Scarred because I reminded him of her,
Reminded him of all he'd lost,
Reminded him of nothing but pain,
How do I even begin to explain.
She lied to me like this for years,
Telling me he loved me despite his childish fears,
Always defending his inabilities,
Until she could no longer hide the truth from me.
Mommy lied for him so many times,
But I could see the fury and disappointment in her eyes,
Each and every time he'd failed,
To be the Dad he should have been,
She kept this anger, this fury in,
Until one day it all came out,
The day she put that gun in his mouth.
She should have shot him there and then,
How different the story may have been,
He should have realised that day,
That is was time to be a better Dad,
He didn't then and he doesn't now,
Drinking away his sorrow,
It's rather sad you see,
A man who was a Dad to me,
Has become nothing but a history.
This I know,
For my mommy tells me so..."
She tried to tell me everyday,
Even when he was far away,
She tried to make me believe,
That Daddy loved me,
Despite it all,
Despite his faults and weaknesses.
She tried to convince me that he cared,
Made excuses for him,
Saying he was simply just scarred,
Scarred because I reminded him of her,
Reminded him of all he'd lost,
Reminded him of nothing but pain,
How do I even begin to explain.
She lied to me like this for years,
Telling me he loved me despite his childish fears,
Always defending his inabilities,
Until she could no longer hide the truth from me.
Mommy lied for him so many times,
But I could see the fury and disappointment in her eyes,
Each and every time he'd failed,
To be the Dad he should have been,
She kept this anger, this fury in,
Until one day it all came out,
The day she put that gun in his mouth.
She should have shot him there and then,
How different the story may have been,
He should have realised that day,
That is was time to be a better Dad,
He didn't then and he doesn't now,
Drinking away his sorrow,
It's rather sad you see,
A man who was a Dad to me,
Has become nothing but a history.
Friday, 1 March 2019
Don't wait, don't make that mistake
Why would you leave a good man,
A man who protects you,
A man who supports you,
A man who wants to commit to you?
Why would you leave a kind man,
A man who's good with animals and children alike,
A man who will spend Christmas with you handing out food to the homeless,
A man who spends his money on his friends and family?
Why would you leave an honest man,
A man who's so straight forward sometimes it's a bit of a shock,
A man who let's you know exactly where you stand,
A man who tells it like it is?
Why would you leave a strong man,
A man whose strength isn't just physical,
A man who's more than just powerful,
A man who makes you feel safe?
Why would you leave a generous man,
A man who invests his time in you,
A man who invests his energy in you,
A man who spends a fortune on you?
Why would you leave a gorgeous man,
A man whose body is utter beauty,
A man whose arms consume you,
A man who makes you feel delicate?
Why would you leave a man who treats you better than you could even ask for?
Why would you forgo his protection, affection and support?
Why would you let go of this soul connection?
Why would you cry yourself to sleep missing him when you could have him?
Maybe, because, despite it all, he scares you when he's angry,
Maybe, because, despite it all, his rage is downright abusive,
Maybe, it only happens every now and again, in the beginning,
But do you really want to see where that ends?
It get's harder and harder to get out,
So leave a good man who makes you feel fear,
The first time he scares you, get out, don't wait.
A man who protects you,
A man who supports you,
A man who wants to commit to you?
Why would you leave a kind man,
A man who's good with animals and children alike,
A man who will spend Christmas with you handing out food to the homeless,
A man who spends his money on his friends and family?
Why would you leave an honest man,
A man who's so straight forward sometimes it's a bit of a shock,
A man who let's you know exactly where you stand,
A man who tells it like it is?
Why would you leave a strong man,
A man whose strength isn't just physical,
A man who's more than just powerful,
A man who makes you feel safe?
Why would you leave a generous man,
A man who invests his time in you,
A man who invests his energy in you,
A man who spends a fortune on you?
Why would you leave a gorgeous man,
A man whose body is utter beauty,
A man whose arms consume you,
A man who makes you feel delicate?
Why would you leave a man who treats you better than you could even ask for?
Why would you forgo his protection, affection and support?
Why would you let go of this soul connection?
Why would you cry yourself to sleep missing him when you could have him?
Maybe, because, despite it all, he scares you when he's angry,
Maybe, because, despite it all, his rage is downright abusive,
Maybe, it only happens every now and again, in the beginning,
But do you really want to see where that ends?
It get's harder and harder to get out,
So leave a good man who makes you feel fear,
The first time he scares you, get out, don't wait.
Tuesday, 26 February 2019
Delicately Devastated
There is this delicate part of me,
It's vulnerable and bare,
It's not easily shared,
When it's rejected I'm naturally devastated.
There is this hunger in me,
A hunger I do not often allow to surface,
A hunger reserved for him and him alone,
When it's not reciprocated I'm naturally devastated.
There is this passion in me,
It's not easily coaxed or ignited,
When it is, it's insatiable, it's uncontrollable,
Will I always want him more than he wants me and will it always devastate me?
There is this energy in me,
It's intense and all consuming,
It sparks in an instant,
He doesn't even notice it and naturally I'm devastated.
There is this intense need in me,
A need only he can feed,
Yet it seems a chore, a bore,
Naturally this devastates me even more.
There is this all consuming want,
A want to be entwined for hours,
A want for him to want me too,
When he doesn't want me, naturally I'm devastated.
There is this delicate part of me,
Hiding further and further away,
I fear it might just disappear one day,
Naturally I am devastated.
There is this part of me,
Now ashamed for being me,
Ashamed for being hungry,
Rationalise it all you want,
Naturally I'm devastated.
It's vulnerable and bare,
It's not easily shared,
When it's rejected I'm naturally devastated.
There is this hunger in me,
A hunger I do not often allow to surface,
A hunger reserved for him and him alone,
When it's not reciprocated I'm naturally devastated.
There is this passion in me,
It's not easily coaxed or ignited,
When it is, it's insatiable, it's uncontrollable,
Will I always want him more than he wants me and will it always devastate me?
There is this energy in me,
It's intense and all consuming,
It sparks in an instant,
He doesn't even notice it and naturally I'm devastated.
There is this intense need in me,
A need only he can feed,
Yet it seems a chore, a bore,
Naturally this devastates me even more.
There is this all consuming want,
A want to be entwined for hours,
A want for him to want me too,
When he doesn't want me, naturally I'm devastated.
There is this delicate part of me,
Hiding further and further away,
I fear it might just disappear one day,
Naturally I am devastated.
There is this part of me,
Now ashamed for being me,
Ashamed for being hungry,
Rationalise it all you want,
Naturally I'm devastated.
Thursday, 7 February 2019
Say Something
There is something to be said,
About a dignified woman,
One who holds her head high,
Because she knows her worth.
There is something to be said,
About a graceful woman,
One who understands the fine line between equality and differences in strengths,
A woman who celebrates both in their own right.
There is something to be said,
About a woman scorned,
Who does not seek revenge or become bitter and twisted by life's heartbreaks,
A woman who does not stoop to lower herself regardless of the rage within.
There is something to be said,
About a patient woman,
A woman who takes her time,
To think, evaluate and then formulate an opinion or solution.
There is something to be said,
For a woman who not only knows her voice,
But knows how and when to use it,
Knowing that sometimes silence speaks loudest.
There is something to be said,
About a strong woman,
Never letting the world see the cracks,
Crying in the eye of the storm, smiling like it's the norm.
There is something to be said,
About a gentle woman,
One who knows that force doesn't always work,
A woman who only raises her voice for strong emphasis.
There is something to be said,
About these women,
And how they have shaped me,
Given me foundations to build the woman I want to be.
About a dignified woman,
One who holds her head high,
Because she knows her worth.
There is something to be said,
About a graceful woman,
One who understands the fine line between equality and differences in strengths,
A woman who celebrates both in their own right.
There is something to be said,
About a woman scorned,
Who does not seek revenge or become bitter and twisted by life's heartbreaks,
A woman who does not stoop to lower herself regardless of the rage within.
There is something to be said,
About a patient woman,
A woman who takes her time,
To think, evaluate and then formulate an opinion or solution.
There is something to be said,
For a woman who not only knows her voice,
But knows how and when to use it,
Knowing that sometimes silence speaks loudest.
There is something to be said,
About a strong woman,
Never letting the world see the cracks,
Crying in the eye of the storm, smiling like it's the norm.
There is something to be said,
About a gentle woman,
One who knows that force doesn't always work,
A woman who only raises her voice for strong emphasis.
There is something to be said,
About these women,
And how they have shaped me,
Given me foundations to build the woman I want to be.
Monday, 21 January 2019
Self Respect
A sweeter sight,
Never will be,
Than the sight of you,
Asleep, unaware, bare.
A more tempting sight,
Never will be,
Than the way you stare,
Stare into me.
A more fluttering heart,
Never will be,
Than the way my heart skips around you,
The way it dances for you.
A more fulfilling experience,
Never will be,
Than the feeling of safety,
Of intimacy, authentically me.
A more perfect fit,
There possibly cannot be,
Your height, your mind,
Every inch, every molecule, every cell, exquisite in design.
A more definite feeling,
Never have I felt,
Than the knowing I feel with you,
A security, a surety, a destiny.
More honest, more real,
There cannot be,
A language of clarity, of self awareness,
Of respect for you, and me.
Never will be,
Than the sight of you,
Asleep, unaware, bare.
A more tempting sight,
Never will be,
Than the way you stare,
Stare into me.
A more fluttering heart,
Never will be,
Than the way my heart skips around you,
The way it dances for you.
A more fulfilling experience,
Never will be,
Than the feeling of safety,
Of intimacy, authentically me.
A more perfect fit,
There possibly cannot be,
Your height, your mind,
Every inch, every molecule, every cell, exquisite in design.
A more definite feeling,
Never have I felt,
Than the knowing I feel with you,
A security, a surety, a destiny.
More honest, more real,
There cannot be,
A language of clarity, of self awareness,
Of respect for you, and me.
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