It Didn't Destroy Me

So insecure,
Yet such a grandiose sense of self importance,
A constant struggle between self loathing and self admiration,
Fantasies of brilliance and superiority,
It must be terribly conflicting and exhausting,
Having such a false sense of achievement when you've achieved nothing.

So charming,
Master manipulator,
Rooted in nothing but a false sense of reality,
Exploiting everyone you meet,
Friends are not friends they simply fulfill your needs,
They stroke your ego and follow your lead.

Pathological liar,
Without conscience or guilt,
Shaping reality with falsities,
Regardless of the consequences,
Feigning and faking to get what you need,
Controlling and torturing is how you feed.

Completely unable to empathise,
I don't know if I'm jealous or if I feel pity,
Never being able to take on another's pain,
Your reality is all you see,
Perhaps not being able to understand and feel for others makes you really free,
I can't do anything without considering how it will make other people feel.

Your reflection is all you see,
You're never guilty,
Self absorbed and ego centered,
Feeding off those who are easy for you to manipulate,
Exploiting and lying to control as you need,
Processing your shame is impossible so it comes out all irrational.

Narcissist is just a gentler word for a self absorbed asshole.

Final

He looked up at me,

Not with sorrow or shame,

Rather a coward looking for yet another way,

To run, to blame and discard me again.

An unforgettable sunset,

That final red blaze,

Our last dance on sea sand,

The sorrow comes in waves.

He moved so gently,

Feeling the rhythm deep down in his soul,

The confidence to dance alone,

I fell in love with him once more.

I knew he wanted nothing more than to touch me,

His body easing closer and closer to mine,

I took a step back and pretended I was fine,

My body longed for his embrace but I had to fight it this time.

He hugs me and I know it’s the final goodbye,

His body molding into mine,

I have to keep my guard up or my soul might never recover,

Letting go of what was supposed to be forever with my lover.

I’ll never forget the waves of emotion,

Uttering a final “Goodnight”,

Watching him drive into the darkness of the jungle,

He wasn’t aware that I was dying inside.

I could have let him touch me,

I could have kissed him goodbye,

I could have fallen into his arms again,

Honestly I couldn’t, finally I couldn’t and I now know why.

Looking back I’m glad I didn’t try and give him a reason to stay,

I could no longer live that way, I could no longer bare the pain,

Of being discarded again and again and again,

Refusing to be another pawn in his narcissistic game.

When I was finally done,

When I knew there was nothing in my power that I could do,

When I knew he would never stop lying or cheating or emotionally abusing,

That’s when I found the power to walk away from him,

And if you should do the same I’ll surely walk away from you.

The Journey

Seven months of summer,

One month of the coldest I have ever been,

Two different hemispheres,

Two different seas.

An Honours degree,

One write off,

One big mistake,

One horrific heart break.

Visiting Van Gogh,

Taking my first tram,

Sticky Stroop Wafels,

Meeting Einstein and Dali.

Being hit by a bicycle, 

My first pair of Nike's,

Endless coffees in shops made for me,

Windmills used to make cheese.

Seeing real snow,

Learning to ski,

Toboggan races,

Gluhweins and teas.

Pear schnapps and Tequila beers,

A German Brauhaus,

Freezing my ass off on a swing in a park,

Out way past dark.

The longest journey,

Multiple modes of transport to get me to the sea,

A car, a plane, a taxi, a sky train, a bus and a ferry,

To awake to the beauty of Klong Koi with no responsibility but me.

I didn't think I could do it alone,
Traveling set me free,
Being responsible for nothing but me,
Living life just for me.

A month of absolute bliss,

Playing in paradise,

Relishing every moment,

Living an incredibly simple life.

A month without hot water,

Hand washing laundry,

Daily explorations and adventures,

Completely and utterly free, my island and me.

Eleven to twelve hours a day, 

Six days a week,

Learning just how disciplined I can be, 

My capacity when I'm being truly me.

Clearer of mind without the aid of substance,

Driven to improve, overcome and heal,

Closer to knowing myself than I've ever been,

His leaving was a miracle.

More genuine people than I've ever met,

Some of the friendliest racists you'll ever see,

Meeting the simplest and happiest of human beings,

Crossing paths with both high level and street level dishonest things.

The freedom of that scooter I will never forget,

Winding paths through jungle roads, 

Leaning into the warm breeze,

No one on the road but me.

Dancing with my shadow,

The warm sea breeze,

Night swims in moonlight,

The most beautiful memories.

Experiencing Angkor Wat,

Exploring this ancient city,

Sitting there in silence to watch the sun and moon meet,

Made the shock of Phnom Penh and the visa run all worth it for me.

The horror buses of tourists,

As they push into the city,

Royal Palace,

Ping pong balls, Bangkok City.

My first train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai,

Yet another ancient city to explore,

This one offering something different,

Wat Phra Doi Suthep the crown jewel of it all.

Thirty four hours of flying,

Forty four hours by bus,

Six hours of ferries,

Trams, taxi's and tuk-tuks, 

Sky trains, bicycles, scooters and trains,

None of them could take me far enough.