Without Prejudice

This is what it has come to,

This is his final legacy,

This is how we will all remember him,

Reducing me to nothing more than a accused debtor.

You people are sick,

Is it the money that made you this way,

Or is it just a level of dysfunction that's run through generations,

What is wrong with you, seriously?

Is it not enough that I lost Timothy,

Not enough that I lost his baby too,

Is it not enough that you all cut me off,

You must now sue me too?

Not once have you reached out,

Not one morsel of compassion,

Not one ounce of gratitude for me or my friends who spent hours on end walking that river,

Nothing but sheer greed and delusional grandiose narcissism.

How cruel are you,

You've just lost your son, 

How could you not even remotely understand,

The loss I have just been through? 

I cannot grasp it,

I just cannot fathom,

Seems Timothy was right about every single one of you,

I should never have doubted what he said about all of you!

All that is lost

When you screamed at the river,

I cried alone in silence,

When you cursed the currents,

I stood loosing more than you knew.

When you wrote poetry of loss,

Recollecting his being,

I mourned the never knowing,

Never seeing.

While you sat spewing rage at 4am,

I sat haunted for weeks on end,

When you packed up his life that you had for 36 years,

I sat wishing I had more of him.

While you carried his ashes home,

All the while plotting an attack,

I blissfully unware, 

Felt that knife in my back.

While you smother your other adult son,

And hex the river for all that is gone,

I am desperately trying to be present for my little one,

To not allow his life to come undone.

You mourned your adult son,

I mourned him with you,

But I had more to mourn than you,

I didn't just lose him I lost his baby too.

And now I have lost all respect for you.

Be Still

Be still,

No sudden movements,

Lessen your breath,

But breathe.

Be still,

No knee jerk reactions,

Do not let your anger lead,

Find your composure.

Be still,

One foot firmly in reality,

Do not let your mind wonder,

Oh the horrors it has seen.

Be still,

Watch, wait and listen,

There is clarity in the stillness,

See clearly.

Be still,

Still your doubts,

Still your anxieties,

Until you do not need to be still any longer,

Then... tear them apart!

Meet me in the Fury

Dishonor the little honor he had,

You seem not to care.

His wishes,

Nothing but thin air.

Betrayal.

You said wasn't the appropriate emotion.

How about now?

Is it appropriate now?

I walked that God forsaken river,

Every, single, day.

I was there for you in every single way,

Not once have you even acknowledged this act of love, not once.

You speak about anger and rage,

As if you could imagine my fury,

You have no idea,

I burn more fiercely than you could ever have imagined dear.

How dare you,

Threaten me?

Please.

I've been through hell and back sweetheart.

How disgraceful actually,

You knew what I meant to him,

You knew what he meant to me,

You knew the trauma made me miscarry.

You KNEW what was happening,

While I had no idea,

Now you want to hold me accountable?

Go figure.

You enabled his behavior,

Nurtured his delusional irresponsible habit,

You watched him fail time and again,

And still funded him anyway.

Silver Spoon,

Keep up with the Jones's,

Call it what you like,

You KNEW.

HOW

DARE

YOU!

You will be met with fury!

Mourning You

How do I live with the memories,

Fire-lit nights with chilled Tequila,

Your eyes devouring me from the moment I walk in.

How do I teach my skin to forget,

The way you honored me,

Rope on skin, skin on skin.

How do I learn to live without you,

Without your constant unwavering strength and security,

Without your eyes, your hands, your mouth.

How do I live without the intimacy,

The way you really listened to me,

The way you understood me.

How do I go back to being just me,

There is always this empty seat where you should be,

Walking into a room without you is unbearable.

How do I let you go,

How do I let us go,

How do I let our future go?

Meeting you felt like coming home,

I have never felt more safe and cherished,

I have never felt more complete.

They say that when you know, you know,

I knew, I knew it in my bones,

I knew you.

You gave me your trust,

You gave me your unwavering dedication,

You gave me parts of myself I didn't even know existed.

How do I live with these new parts of me,

There is no one who understands me,

No one who really knows me, you knew me.

How do I put on a brave face,

When Jette speaks your name,

How do I handle his heartbreak and mine?

How do I move forward,

Every dream I had included you,

Where to now, I feel lost without you.

How I am I supposed to be grateful,

When all I feel is loss,

When all I want is things back the way they were.

How do I ever consider another lover,

When there is no one who will ever measure up to you,

How could you leave me like this!

How do I ever trust anyone ever again,

You promised you wouldn't break my heart or Jette's,

But you did.

You promised me a wedding in Mozambique,

You at my side,

Sand in my feet.

You promised me a future,

A future in which I was your wife,

Now I live this lonely life.

I believed in happily ever after,

I believed in it with you,

And now I am just this lonely woman, lost without you.

Forced to walk into rooms and feel inadequate and small, 

When with you, 

I walked tall!

I don't know how,

I don't know why,

And I am angry with the earth, sea and sky!