Dull because of you

I've been feeling depleted,
At a loss,
Muted.

What if I've lost my joy forever?
What if I never get my passion back?
What if everything stays this grey?

I've been feeling insignificant,
Without purpose,
Existing, not living.

What if I am nothing?
What if I have never had or will have a purpose?
What if I have been faking it all along?

I've been feeling fragmented,
Weak but not vulnerable,
Impenetrable.

What if I harden from life's lessons?
What if I solidify in this form?
What if I end up like...

I've been feeling demotivated,
Couldn't care less,
Stuck in this rut, this mess she left me with.

Sultry

Blessed be,
This,
Heavenly,
Magnificent,
Form.

Blessed be,
The,
Sweet,
Sultry scent,
Of neck in neck.

Blessed be,
The,
Sweetest taste,
Of something,
So delicate.

Cursed,
We are,
To lust,
To love,
To linger.

Cursed,
We are,
To pine,
To long,
To want nothing more.

Cursed,
In essence,
To devour,
To tease,
To pause.

Entwined,
We are,
Cursed,
To crave,
Forever more,
And more.

Into the deep

It's a strange feeling,
Not being able to cry,
Stumbling along,
Almost numb.

It's a displacing sensation,
Nothing quite as sweet,
Nothing quite as sour,
Feeling dis-empowered.

It's that hollow in my center,
That knot in my stomachs pit,
That niggle in my neck and back,
That whisper on the icy wind.

It's nothing like anything,
And a lot like nothing,
It's not quite loss,
It's something significantly more.

It's a pale shade of greyish brown,
A delusional conversation,
A hankering for something paranormal,
Something spiritual, something, anything at all.

204/01/2017

Number 204,
That's all that you are anymore.

Reduced to a tiny pile of ashes,
The left-overs,
Haven given bits of you away.

A stale stained candle,
Its wick tired,
Consumed by thick, cold, suffocating wax.

A few pieces of silver,
Not worth anything to anyone else.

A box of forgotten photographs,
Reminding me that life and death are indeed black and white.

A file of achievements,
Of struggles overcome,
Certificates of a life once lived,
A life come undone.

These are all that I have left of you.

A chat icon that again will never bold,
Never call out my name or scold,
A conversational history that now means the world to me.

This is all I have left of you.

Number 204, Mommy, I will miss you forever and more.

Primal Trauma

The pain of separation,
My life-line,
My umbilical chord,
Severed and destroyed.

Left naked,
Exposed,
Struggling to breathe,
Without comfort or protection.

My backup,
My confidant,
My greatest critic,
What is life without you?

Feeling so very vulnerable,
As if birthed into a new earth,
Without parents,
Or light, blind.

Skin to skin,
Again will never be,
Anything more than a memory,
Six senses, none of them of use to me.

I can't feel you,
I can't hear you,
I can't even smell you anymore,
Tell me, where are you?

How does someone so intense,
So loud, brash and opinionated,
Someone so hard and yet so kind,
Just disappear, without some cosmic disruption?

Did the heavens part to receive you my dear,
Did the angels sing?
Did the devil retire?
Did you get wings?

Are you ever present,
All knowing,
All seeing,
Part of my every cell, my every being?

Are you all accepting,
All experiencing,
All but nothing,
All but a light beam?

Where did you go?
Can I visit you there?
My mind just cannot comprehend,
This my dear, is your end.

Terrifying

Something switches,

I need to run,

It's not quite panic,

But it's not fun.

Something happens,

I need to breathe,

I can't stand each foreign gaze,

I need to leave.

As strong as I am,

I can't do small talk,

Social anxiety maybe?

Introverted extrovert clearly.

I'm the life of the party,

Laughing dancing and having fun,

Then something clicks and I come undone,

An uncontrollable need to hide from everyone.

It's something like safety that I seek,

Quiet and still and absolutely necessary,

Left alone with no one to see,

Please, please don't look at me.

I can't really explain it,

Maybe it's the intensity,

An assault on my senses,

Hypersensitivity?

Learning to understand the introverted extrovert in me,

Please excuse me,

But I need to leave,

I need a quiet space to breathe.