Honoring Devotion

 I sat Keeping Vigil with his body,

I sat with mindful presence,

I sat with Shmirah,

A chesed shel emet.

No crowds,

No sirens,

No rituals,

Just me and Tim.

The stillness,

The wind,

I stayed,

With him.

I kept him company,

Even in death,

I couldn’t bare the thought of him being discarded,

Left there on the riverbank alone.

That time, 

Those hours,

They weren’t quiet, 

They roared inside of me, 

With pain, 

With disbelief, 

With the unbearable ache of love that had nowhere left to go.

I spoke to him,

Maybe out loud, 

Maybe just in my heart,

I told him things I had said so many times before,

How grateful I was and how much I loved him,

I wept for all the versions of our future that would never come,

I wept for our unborn child.

Call it death watch,

Call it what you like,

For me it was love,

Love that bore witness when the world went quiet,

I was there to honor it all.

That day, 

Beside the river, 

I learned that grief is not just sorrow,

It is devotion.

Hell hath no fury

I cannot being to describe,

The burning inferno,

The rage that inflames,

The anger that boils.

I cannot fathom,

How any mother could wish her child dead for any reason,

You're a monster actually,

Just look at the spawn you created.

If your definition of being a "good mother",

Is based on how you raised your boys,

You're more grandiose and delusional than I thought,

Overweight, struggling with addiction and still living with a co-dependent mommy.

I see it now,

How your son was able to lie and deceive and pretend to be,

He learned it all from you,

False people with a warped sense of superiority.

All of you and your delusional displays of wealth,

Wealth that actually doesn't exist,

Trying to take money from others who actually don't owe you a fucking thing,

Is this how you've made it though your lives of Hilton luxury?

The only thing about your son that I believe was truly him,

Was his people pleasing spending to buy and win over friends,

What an insecure little man YOU created, 

Living in a caravan with mommy while both of you were blatantly lying to me, sies.

I looked deep into your eyes, 

As you expressed GRATITUDE that your son had died,

How sad I felt for you, how I pity you, how ashamed I am on his behalf of you,

What hell you have put those boys through.

To hell with you.

Without Prejudice

This is what it has come to,

This is his final legacy,

This is how we will all remember him,

Reducing me to nothing more than a accused debtor.

You people are sick,

Is it the money that made you this way,

Or is it just a level of dysfunction that's run through generations,

What is wrong with you, seriously?

Is it not enough that I lost Timothy,

Not enough that I lost his baby too,

Is it not enough that you all cut me off,

You must now sue me too?

Not once have you reached out,

Not one morsel of compassion,

Not one ounce of gratitude for me or my friends who spent hours on end walking that river,

Nothing but sheer greed and delusional grandiose narcissism.

How cruel are you,

You've just lost your son, 

How could you not even remotely understand,

The loss I have just been through? 

I cannot grasp it,

I just cannot fathom,

Seems Timothy was right about every single one of you,

I should never have doubted what he said about all of you!

All that is lost

When you screamed at the river,

I cried alone in silence,

When you cursed the currents,

I stood loosing more than you knew.

When you wrote poetry of loss,

Recollecting his being,

I mourned the never knowing,

Never seeing.

While you sat spewing rage at 4am,

I sat haunted for weeks on end,

When you packed up his life that you had for 36 years,

I sat wishing I had more of him.

While you carried his ashes home,

All the while plotting an attack,

I blissfully unware, 

Felt that knife in my back.

While you smother your other adult son,

And hex the river for all that is gone,

I am desperately trying to be present for my little one,

To not allow his life to come undone.

You mourned your adult son,

I mourned him with you,

But I had more to mourn than you,

I didn't just lose him I lost his baby too.

And now I have lost all respect for you.

Be Still

Be still,

No sudden movements,

Lessen your breath,

But breathe.

Be still,

No knee jerk reactions,

Do not let your anger lead,

Find your composure.

Be still,

One foot firmly in reality,

Do not let your mind wonder,

Oh the horrors it has seen.

Be still,

Watch, wait and listen,

There is clarity in the stillness,

See clearly.

Be still,

Still your doubts,

Still your anxieties,

Until you do not need to be still any longer,

Then... tear them apart!

Meet me in the Fury

Dishonor the little honor he had,

You seem not to care.

His wishes,

Nothing but thin air.

Betrayal.

You said wasn't the appropriate emotion.

How about now?

Is it appropriate now?

I walked that God forsaken river,

Every, single, day.

I was there for you in every single way,

Not once have you even acknowledged this act of love, not once.

You speak about anger and rage,

As if you could imagine my fury,

You have no idea,

I burn more fiercely than you could ever have imagined dear.

How dare you,

Threaten me?

Please.

I've been through hell and back sweetheart.

How disgraceful actually,

You knew what I meant to him,

You knew what he meant to me,

You knew the trauma made me miscarry.

You KNEW what was happening,

While I had no idea,

Now you want to hold me accountable?

Go figure.

You enabled his behavior,

Nurtured his delusional irresponsible habit,

You watched him fail time and again,

And still funded him anyway.

Silver Spoon,

Keep up with the Jones's,

Call it what you like,

You KNEW.

HOW

DARE

YOU!

You will be met with fury!

Mourning You

How do I live with the memories,

Fire-lit nights with chilled Tequila,

Your eyes devouring me from the moment I walk in.

How do I teach my skin to forget,

The way you honored me,

Rope on skin, skin on skin.

How do I learn to live without you,

Without your constant unwavering strength and security,

Without your eyes, your hands, your mouth.

How do I live without the intimacy,

The way you really listened to me,

The way you understood me.

How do I go back to being just me,

There is always this empty seat where you should be,

Walking into a room without you is unbearable.

How do I let you go,

How do I let us go,

How do I let our future go?

Meeting you felt like coming home,

I have never felt more safe and cherished,

I have never felt more complete.

They say that when you know, you know,

I knew, I knew it in my bones,

I knew you.

You gave me your trust,

You gave me your unwavering dedication,

You gave me parts of myself I didn't even know existed.

How do I live with these new parts of me,

There is no one who understands me,

No one who really knows me, you knew me.

How do I put on a brave face,

When Jette speaks your name,

How do I handle his heartbreak and mine?

How do I move forward,

Every dream I had included you,

Where to now, I feel lost without you.

How I am I supposed to be grateful,

When all I feel is loss,

When all I want is things back the way they were.

How do I ever consider another lover,

When there is no one who will ever measure up to you,

How could you leave me like this!

How do I ever trust anyone ever again,

You promised you wouldn't break my heart or Jette's,

But you did.

You promised me a wedding in Mozambique,

You at my side,

Sand in my feet.

You promised me a future,

A future in which I was your wife,

Now I live this lonely life.

I believed in happily ever after,

I believed in it with you,

And now I am just this lonely woman, lost without you.

Forced to walk into rooms and feel inadequate and small, 

When with you, 

I walked tall!

I don't know how,

I don't know why,

And I am angry with the earth, sea and sky!

Disappointed

I am constantly,

Disappointed,

It's my own fault though,

For hoping.

I am constantly,

Shocked,

I only have myself to blame,

I should know you better.

I keep being completely,

Blind-sided,

By your level of desperate Tom Fuckery,

It's honestly embarrassing on your behalf.

I am constantly left,

Speechless,

It's just so incredibly insane,

The temper tantrums you throw and then blame me for.

You have nothing,

Literally,

You have no meaningful connections,

Nothing to your name yet you refuse to even look at the possibility that the problem is and always has been, you.

I pity you,

In a way I have never pitied anyone before,

You have every resource available to you,

Yet you CHOOSE not to grow.

Even the most simple of minds can see,

The level of self inflicted unhappiness you continue to wallow in,

It is a choice to not develop self awareness or empathy,

You choose to be the man you are today and I am ashamed!

Imagine how successful and fulfilled you would be,

If you listened to the first psychologist or even the third or forth that told you you lacked empathy?

How far you may have come if you had started three years ago when you still had a family?

I watch you throw it all away and there is nothing I can do but be constantly disappointed by you!

To his new lover (s)

 He's going to paint a picture for you,

One in which there are rose gardens and beautiful sunsets,

One where he is the victim in his past relationship.

He's going to tell you stories about how toxic I am, and you'll believe him,

He might even use the same tactic he used on me and admit to you that he regrets not having married me,

Who knows.

You're going to fall for his charm and his potential,
You're going to think to yourself: what a great guy, and you'll believe I'm just some crazy ex.
You're going to want to heal his wounds just like I did.

You're going to admire what looks like dedication to his son,
But you won't know what's really going on,
You'll find his false displays of parenting attractive even,
Little do you know.

You won't realize it at first,
None of us did,
Some sooner than later,
For your sake I hope it's sooner.

He will chip away at you,
Little by little,
The next thing you know, you're begging him to stay after he left you alone having a grand mal seizure earlier that day,
And you will still stay.

He will degrade you to me,
He will brag about you to his "friends",
But it won't be in the way that you'd hoped,
It won't be about how wonderful you are, no, he'll call you easy or needy depending on what he knows will hurt you most.

His mother will love you at first,
Make no mistake her charm is just as intoxicating,
I hope you never get tangled in her web,
She'll only tell her son how she feels like she's loosing him to you...
I shit you not.

He'll tell you everything you want to hear at first,
Then the games begin,
The abuse and weaponised incompetence,
That's only just the beginning.

He'll slowly but surely make you start to believe,
That you are and have been the source of any and all conflict and that you need help,
You might even go for a full psych evaluation,
I reccomend that actually, it helps.

He'll invalidate you so subtly,
You might not even realize it at first,
That's how they work their way down to figuring out what really hurts,
Then he'll tell you that you're imagining things.

I hope you get out then, because if you don't,
It gets much much worse,
You'll completely loose yourself in the madness,
You won't recognize yourself in the slightest.

It's the most torturous process,
The pain is something words cannot possibly describe,
He will discard you over and over and over again,
I can't even begin to explain

Get out,
Get out now,
Don't end up having four abortions only for him to then tell you he has no intention of marrying you,
Don't end up having his child and then be left a single mother.

You don't want this,
I promise you,
He will completely destroy you,
And if you ever doubt it you only need ask yourself these two basic and easy questions:

1. What kind of man witnesses someone hes been with for six years go through an abortion and doesn't do everything in his power to prevent that from ever happening to her again? What justification or reason does he have for putting her through four abortions and then literally breaking up with her because, and I quote: he had no intention of marrying her.

2. What kind of woman actively chooses to not give her son a family and a home with mom and dad, what kind of women walks away from a family for her son, why would she actively choose to walk away from what's most important to her if she had any other choice? Surely it needs to be unbearable abuse for her to choose to leave?

And if you still doubt the words on this page,
Let me tell you a little secret,
I have a recording you're welcome to,
A recording where he tells me that you're needy and can't make him cum and that he had no intention of marrying you...

Get
Out
Now

While you still can. 

SEVERING SURVIVAL LIMBS

 I still hurt sometimes,

It's true,

But the pain is nothing in comparison
To the torture of being with you.

It may take time,
I know it won't always be easy,
But it's without a doubt,
A million times easier than loving you.

I know you knew me before,
I know you knew how to hurt me like no one else,
But those old triggers are not there anymore,
Watching you repeat the abuse cycle once more.

I may have moments of flash backs,
A sort of emotional PTSD,
But as complex as it may be,
I have healed the most fundemental traumas that you used to use to control me.

I do suffer brief moments of sympathy,
For your crippled and completely disabled emotional body,
But how folish of me to waste the energy,
You don't have the self awareness to even see your disabilities let alone feel remorse for the pain with which you plagued me.

I may suffer from phantom limbs,
I may still find myself reminded of the trauma of it all,
But the blindside of these moments are a reprive,
In comparison to having to put up with you in my face, and in my space and in my every fucking thought...

I will make light work of the rest of this,
Soon you'll have absolutely no impact on me at all,
But you,
You're in for lifetime of misery, entirely self inflicted so all I feel is pity.

I don't only pity you,
I pity your next victim with excruciating anxiety too,
But pray is all I can do,
Pray she gets out before you use, abuse, impregnate and discard her too, how many more abortions and broken families will truly satisfy you?

I feel nothing but nausea when I think of you,
When I force myself to confront my deepest feelings about you,
But the nausea is a blessing,
It means I'm in the final stages of healing,
Finally rid of the cancer that was you.