Honoring Devotion

 I sat Keeping Vigil with his body,

I sat with mindful presence,

I sat with Shmirah,

A chesed shel emet.

No crowds,

No sirens,

No rituals,

Just me and Tim.

The stillness,

The wind,

I stayed,

With him.

I kept him company,

Even in death,

I couldn’t bare the thought of him being discarded,

Left there on the riverbank alone.

That time, 

Those hours,

They weren’t quiet, 

They roared inside of me, 

With pain, 

With disbelief, 

With the unbearable ache of love that had nowhere left to go.

I spoke to him,

Maybe out loud, 

Maybe just in my heart,

I told him things I had said so many times before,

How grateful I was and how much I loved him,

I wept for all the versions of our future that would never come,

I wept for our unborn child.

Call it death watch,

Call it what you like,

For me it was love,

Love that bore witness when the world went quiet,

I was there to honor it all.

That day, 

Beside the river, 

I learned that grief is not just sorrow,

It is devotion.

Hell hath no fury

I cannot being to describe,

The burning inferno,

The rage that inflames,

The anger that boils.

I cannot fathom,

How any mother could wish her child dead for any reason,

You're a monster actually,

Just look at the spawn you created.

If your definition of being a "good mother",

Is based on how you raised your boys,

You're more grandiose and delusional than I thought,

Overweight, struggling with addiction and still living with a co-dependent mommy.

I see it now,

How your son was able to lie and deceive and pretend to be,

He learned it all from you,

False people with a warped sense of superiority.

All of you and your delusional displays of wealth,

Wealth that actually doesn't exist,

Trying to take money from others who actually don't owe you a fucking thing,

Is this how you've made it though your lives of Hilton luxury?

The only thing about your son that I believe was truly him,

Was his people pleasing spending to buy and win over friends,

What an insecure little man YOU created, 

Living in a caravan with mommy while both of you were blatantly lying to me, sies.

I looked deep into your eyes, 

As you expressed GRATITUDE that your son had died,

How sad I felt for you, how I pity you, how ashamed I am on his behalf of you,

What hell you have put those boys through.

To hell with you.