A Fire Inside

Angry,
I shouldn't be,
So I pent it all up,
Till it spilled out of me.

Rage,
Why am I raging?
There must be a specific reason,
An outside catalyst pushing me.

Rage,
Turns to regret,
When I realise what I said and did,
What is this overwhelming blinding insanity?

Insanity,
Maybe there is something wrong with me?
Maybe my anger just gets the better of me?
Maybe it's him, her, them, making me angry?

Crazy,
Overthinking every possibility,
Criticising myself constantly,
Finally settling on blaming someone other than me.

Me,
Is it really me?
I can't possibly be responsible for being this angry?
It must be because they didn't listen to me.

Anger,
A way to survive,
A tool we picked up when we were very young,
It protected us through all the years we needed to be strong.

Strength,
To master self,
To acknowledge anger,
To take responsibility.

Responsibility,
For all your actions,
For all your emotions,
For all you are and want to be.

Truth,
Requires vulnerable honesty,
This anger inside me,
Maybe I'm expressing it destructively?

Destruction,
Demolishing everything,
In the wreckage I may discover,
That my anger is what destroyed me and my lover.

A fire inside,
It constantly reminds me,
That my anger is my responsibility,
That I am entirely responsible for me.

It stings because it's healing

When he touches me,
It's not just my body he touches,
It's not just with his hands that he feels out the delicate parts of me,
It's with his heart,
His soul,
His entire being.

It's in the way he listens,
In the way he speaks,
Honesty embellished by courage,
It's Shameless,
It's Beautiful.

It's in the way he endeavors to understand me,
Not just my words,
But my feelings too,
He validates them,
Instead of making me feel a fool.

It's in the way he laughs at me,
It's the furthest thing from cruel,
He makes the darkness seem lighter,
With every delicious chuckle that spills from his lips.

It's in the way he holds space for me,
A space to be unapologetically me,
Without judgement or fear,
He simply holds my broken pieces to the light,
Understanding that this is not a fight.

It's in the way he loves me,
Without fear,
Without cruelty and blame,
His love stings the shattered parts of me,
As disinfectant would a wound,
He's cleaning out all the infected parts of me,
Parts that were infected by you.

Learning to Love - A Case Study

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Based on how pretty you are,
Or aren't.

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Conditional and impermanent,
Leaving him.

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Working yourself to the bone,
Providing for our family at any cost.

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Harsh words and criticism,
She called it "being realistic".

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Male attention,
Male affection without teaching me the consequences.

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Furious,
Ferocious, jealous even but always protective.

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Projecting your anger onto others,
Shouting, screaming and blaming.

My mother taught me that love,
Love is,
Loyalty,
Nothing in this world comes for free.

My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Leather on skin,
Corporal punishment it was back then.

My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Humiliation,
Hosed down like an animal.

My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Not freely given,
It's earned or nothing.

My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Exclusion,
Punishment and rejection.

My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Cruel and cowardly,
Never taking any responsibility.

My father taught me that love,
Love is,
Anger and aggression,
Attack and retaliate.

My parents taught me that love,
Love is,
A life long lesson,
They were just the introductory chapter, the beginning.

My first love taught me that love is,
Love is,
Based on the condition of "putting out",
I didn't want to so he got it somewhere else.

My first lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Letting someone else lead,
Love is giving-in without full control or understanding.

My next lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Fighting for what you want,
With him always wanting someone else.

My next few lovers taught me that love,
Love is,
Letting them do what ever they want to me,
Humiliating and degrading and disrespecting me.

My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Kindness, Patience and Empathy,
Love could be gentle and not at all critical or conditional.

My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Finding myself,
Loving myself so I could start loving whole-heartedly.

My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Respect,
To never blame or project.

My life-changing lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Always changing, always evolving,
Truly ever-lasting.

My rapist taught me that love,
Love is,
Easily mistaken,
For abuse and anger and cruel criticisms, referencing my introductory lessons.

My younger lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Possible without pain,
That I could be physically intimate again without fear or shame.

My narcissistic lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Finally deciding to walk away,
Leaving someone barefoot in the jungle so you can learn to love yourself again before it's too late.

My abused lover taught me that love,
Love is,
Abusive, angry and humiliatingly cruel,
Repeat introduction and chapter one and chapter two, this is a great study case for you.