The Four Milestones

Let me begin by saying I love you because I'm pretty much sure that's why it still hurts.

Let me elaborate by saying thank you for the moments of pure bliss, explosive intimacy, safety, love and soul touching intensity.

Let me acknowledge that I've begun to forgive you for the heart ache I'm going through but I'm not yet ready to say - I forgive you.

I'm sorry...
No wait, I'm not,
I can't think of even one thing I'm sorry about.

Happy Birthday

Mon Amour,

I wanted to call,
I wanted to say,
I truly wish you a Happy Birthday.

If I call,
Even just to wish you,
I might unbalance everything I've worked through.

If I reach out,
I'd have no idea what else to say,
Making a fool of myself in every way.

So instead of reopening old wounds,
Instead of reaching out to you,
I'll write you this note and simply hope that you have a Happy Happy Birthday.

I Just Can't

I can't get your blood off my sheets,
I can't erase you from my memory,
Yet I can't remember the way you feel.

Nearly a year,
We made it through,
Somehow I can't remember what it was like to be with you.

Nearly a lifetime committed to you,
You gave it all up for the booze,
There was no other option to choose.

I miss you now,
But I know this to be true,
It's the intimacy I'm missing, not actually you.

I can't regain the part of me that I gave to you,
That's ok,
I am at peace with that new part of you.

I cannot see a way of working this out,
Yet somehow I still feel doubt,
Some shimmer of hope of working this out.

With a thousand thoughts of you a day,
I still can't figure out what to say,
A dead end, stale mate, check mate, game.

Maybe

Maybe it was love,
Maybe he still loves me,
Maybe he will realise it and come back to me.

Maybe I'm a fool,
Maybe I'm dreaming,
Maybe he really wasn't right for me.

Maybe he's drinking,
Wait, of course he's drinking,
It's all he knows and all he does.

Maybe he's studying,
Wait, of course he isn't,
He's dropped out and given up on everything.

Maybe I pushed him,
But I spoke about this many times,
"Don't do this for me, do it for you".

Maybe I scared him,
With the possibility of being happy,
The truth is he'd rather be drunk than be with me.

Maybe the rumors are true,
Maybe the new blond is better for you,
Maybe she allows you to be a drunk fool.

Maybe the whispers are true,
Maybe no one actually wants to be around you,
How sad because I loved every inch of you.

Maybe I'm obsessed with all of this,
The way you turned 360, told me you loved me,
Only to insult me 3 days later over coffee.

Maybe it's not worth the energy,
Conscious decisions made to get rid of me,
Maybe he just wasnt ready?

So They Say

When you know,
You know,
It can't be explained.

How am I ever going to trust myself again?

He's not worth it,
You'll find someone new,
Someone better than the way he treated you.

I loved every inch of him, what if it wasn't him but the addiction?

In time you'll realise,
He wasn't good for you,
Time will heal everything you're going through.

It's been months, it feels like years, why is my mind still unsure?

Think about everything he did to you,
Do you really want to be with a drunk fool?
Do you really want to be with a man that continues to discard you?

I know, I know, but what if he's changed, become the man I know he can?

You will move on,
You will meet someone new,
You will get over everything he put you through.

Sadly all I want, still, is you, could this love ever have been true?

Blind Manipulation

Blindside?
Let me tell you about blindside,
Let me elaborate on manipulation.

Ma Reine?
It's what he used to call me,
Making me believe he valued me.

Apology?
That's how he used to lure me,
Only to discard and torture me.

Addiction?
That's how he got my vote of sympathy,
Only to turn around and hit me unexpectedly.

Lies?
That's how he used to control me,
Making me believe he was man enough to change.

Emotional appeal?
That's how he used to influence me,
Only to go back to the drinking and discard me.

Affliction,
That's all he was to me,
Lying, draining, manipulating and forsaking me.

Belief?
That's what I had in him,
Long gone now with the August winds.

Strength,
That's what I saw in him,
Only to realise there was none there to begin.

Possibility,
That's what I wanted for him,
Only to have him trow it all away and binge again.

Admiration,
That's how I felt about him,
Until he walked away to drink again.